a little healing

I have had a really hard time posting anything else in this time of hurt and mourning. It felt so inappropriate.

I wouldn't say that we are in Dave and Darcy's closest circle of friends, yet this has hit our family like nothing else we have experienced to date. We know them through church, we have kids practically the same ages and Darcy and I were in a couple of Bible studies together.

We were pregnant with our most recent babies together and we both homeschool. We even drive the same make, model and color of minivan.

I have always felt a heart connection with Darcy. She and Dave are amazing parents who LOVE the Lord and are raising children who are just a joy to be around. We love their family.

All week long, I have been wiping my tears and answering tough questions from my kids. I have found myself crabbier than usual (imagine that!) and finally took a step back to see why.

I feel like God let me down.

I didn't understand the "how" of praising God and embracing faith during such a tough time. There was a disconnect between what my head knows is truth, and what my heart feels.

I realized that I understood other tragic events in life more than I understood this one. I created a scale in my head with things like grandparents dying, miscarriages and even cancer on the list.

But this one rated a big ZERO for me. I had ZERO understanding as to why a 15 month old boy who had beat the odds already and was from an amazing family could die so suddenly and unexplainably.

I am also struggling with why it was their baby and not ours.

Why did I get a "pass" on this one? I am no more deserving than Darcy.

As a result, the profound lack of control that we all have, but rarely acknowledge, smacked me right in the face.

As the weekend was getting closer, I started to feel anxiety and actually sweat when I thought about putting Squirt in the nursery. It's not that I don't trust our nursery, I just knew I would have to confront that lack of control.

I was a basket-case on Saturday. My dear friend Carrie happened to call me while I was in a moment of tears and rage. I unloaded on her about how pissed off I was and how I just could not connect the act of praising God in the midst of such a stunning loss.

Then Sunday morning came. Kenyon and I taught the first grade class during our first service (of two) and Dave and Darcy's oldest daughter Marin was sorely missed.

Our class had the opportunity to make cards for Marin and her family and it was very interesting to see this through the eyes of children. One of my sweet little girls in class lost both of her biological parents in a car accident recently enough that she remembers it. Her card stressed how much God loves us and heals our hurts.

She gets it. Unfortunately, she gets it because she has lived it.

It was a great comfort to walk down the halls, and be spontaneously hugged by others who experienced this with me. There were tears flowing that needed no explanation. Our hearts were connected.

Our staff at church was an impressive example of compassion and quality leadership. They all had matching t-shirts on in order to be easily identified when needed and the nursery room where Major's tragedy happened was closed to babies, but open for prayer and grief counseling.

Then we got to go to church. And our pastor, Dave Nelson, gave the most heartfelt and REAL message about this tragedy.

He brought to light that although I've been looking for God all week, He was there all along. I was also encouraged to give all my rage and questions and doubts to God.

Because He can handle them.

If you've ever wondered WHY in the midst of hurt - take make the time to listen.