After nearly five months home from China, I finally put the time into creating Joya's "Gotcha" video. For those of you outside of the adoption world, "gotcha day" is the term used for the day families are united with their child (got-ya).
Our adoption was and is an amazing and life changing journey. It went beyond anything I could have imagined in the realm of both JOY and PAIN.
Although we are convinced that God had His hand on Joya's adoption and that she is perfectly matched for our family, we are equally convinced that this is NOT the way life is ideally supposed to be for her.
At one of our hotels during our stay in China, we noticed another family at breakfast wearing T-shirts that had the slogan, "Adopted By Design" on the back. It implied to us that God designed adoption as a first choice for these children.
It actually angered my husband and it gave me great pause in my thoughts.
Adoption is a second choice for orphans. It is a second choice to staying with each orphan's birth family forever. It is clearly the result of a broken world.
No matter who an orphan's birth family is, there is LOSS and GRIEF in adoption.
But, over the last five months, I had one adoptive mom repeatedly remind me of the BEAUTY in the process. And after making this video, I am far enough removed to see it.
Finally.
Because, as you can see, it has not been all sunshine and roses. The transition has been HARD. Our love was instant when we met our daughter, however, it took TIME to build our relationship and get to know each other.
And we are not done yet.
I was fearful to let her look back on the grief she has endured this year. Up to this point, any reminder of China has only upset her.
But maybe we both knew in our hearts that it was time to put together the memories. I let her watch it and she stared intently at it and then looked at me and said, "SAD Lien Lien." (She still mostly refers to herself by her endeared Chinese nickname.)
Then she smiled.
Relief washed over us when we realized that this did not re-traumatize her. We have been working so hard to shower her with love and consistency - trying to establish coveted trust, that we feared the memories might hit the reset button on all of that work.
Personally, I think it had the opposite effect. I think watching the road we have traveled together has encouraged her to hold more tightly to her forever family. She has smiled more and been more affectionate in the last few days.
For me, it has completely renewed my COMPASSION for her and allowed me to feel pain for her that I had pushed to my back-burner as I have committed myself to the very tedious, daily work of mothering five kids.
I have a renewed perspective of adoption and the MIRACLE that occurs in the process.
And I am looking forward to watching the BEAUTY grow with time.
Over the weekend we accepted an invitation to socialize with a local family that we "knew of" but had never met until we went to China. They also adopted a little girl that is just five months younger than Joya.
We had a wonderful time catching up and filling each other in on the ups and downs of our transitions at home, as well as the medical updates of our daughters.
While driving home, my man mentioned how sweet and mild mannered our friends' daughter is compared to Joya. What was noteworthy to him was the fact that their daughter also fit the profile of the medical conditions we would have considered.
"She could have been ours instead of Joya," he said.
We both sat in silence as we pondered what a divine match our little girl is to our family. She is naturally animated and LOUD. I heard Sauce describing her to one of his soccer buddies today - "She's tough!" he boasted.
She is so perfectly matched to our large, active, and mostly male family. It was yet another moment in this process when we recognized and were humbled by the fact that God knew who our daughter would be from the very beginning. He was purposeful in placing her with us and gave us the gift of seeing it.
She was so clearly supposed to be ours that it brings tears to our eyes thinking about it unfolding any other way.
We are in the thick of navigating through the slow maze of medical diagnosis and treatment for her. Her preliminary tests show that she definitely struggles to breathe properly at night, so her doctor postponed the surgery we had on the books in June for her face, and set us on the path of overnight hospital sleep studies (FUN!) and treating this problem first before any other.
I'm thoroughly frustrated with the fact that no medical office responds with any sense of urgency at all. But I'm a mom on a mission to get my daughter the best treatment in the most favorable timeframe for her needs.
Definition - "squeaky wheel"
Our consistent daily routine has definitely helped her personality to blossom and our mother-daughter relationship to grow leaps and bounds. Yesterday and today I had the opportunity to communicate with her foster family in China to let them know how great she is doing. It felt so good to tell them how grateful we are for the advantage they gave her by being her first family. Now that I know her more fully, I can appreciate the void that she left in their lives and I hurt for them.
They sent back a message to me of gratitude and relief that she is thriving and I made a personal commitment to send word at least twice a year for the next couple of years to try to ease their pain.
Secretly, I hope that they foster another child because they are clearly gifted at it.
It is 9:09 p.m. I have five kids upstairs in bed and asleep. The kitchen is minimally cleaned up, but I still have to make three of the four lunches for school tomorrow because Sauce decided to make his own tonight (he also put away his clean laundry without being asked - who is that kid???).
It feels like 11:45 p.m.
I ran into a friend at the park today (on account of the rare warm spell) who joked with me that she is stalking my blog for an update.
There is such a mixed bag of what goes on each day, and it is against my nature not to share both. So, I'll start with the sucky, and because we are all focusing on the good, I will end with that.
Thanks for sticking with me.
Sucky:
I had to get out of bed ten times last night. Maybe more. She wakes up scared to death - anywhere between two and ten times each night.
Sleep apnea might be contributing to her night troubles and we're investigating that medically.
I had to work hard to muster a smile for anyone this morning and there was more than one tear.
Squirt's adjustment has manifested in fear of bad guys and often being sad when I drop him off at school.
I am ready to fire the housekeeper. Wait, I don't have one. I cannot keep my house clean for the life of me - even to my sadly low standards.
My new state of family-cocoon works to prevent me from seeing friends socially. I saw a couple of preschool parents by chance at the park this morning as I was trying to exhaust my daughter enough to submit to a long(er) nap (failed by the way). I realized that this has to be the new normal for now.
I don't answer a lot of phone calls or initiate them either.
For now, I can't handle more than finding my balance in my new normal.
Good:
Our boys ADORE their sister. They have been the loft to my balloon when I'm discouraged. Even when she is rotten to them, they are nothing but devoted to her.
She goes to bed without protest and has adapted to a bedtime routine beautifully.
We are still getting meals from loving friends (we've been home since 3/29). I have already announced to all dependent parties that I have forgotten how to cook.
Every day I take tags off of new items of clothing for Joya. And I haven't purchased a thing on my own dime.
She lets me put "pretties" in her hair and we admire my work together.
Through our pre-bedtime rocking chair time, she has learned where her nose, ears, eyes, hair, mouth, and fingers are. We work on more each night.
She understands everything we say in English. I'm sure she's going to start spouting out sentences when we least expect it.
Normally not ticklish or physically playful, today I got some full blown belly laughs when I gobbled on her armpits during a diaper change. And she wanted more. Smile.
Despite my Beloved's busy travel schedule, I have been able to keep up with the Taxi-Mom demands of the boys' schedules.
I take great joy in my boys' enjoying their interests. We have spring soccer going on and The Hunter and my man both read The H^nger Game$ series together (I read them last year). I know there is controversy surrounding exposing kids to this series, but for this boy it was a great opportunity to connect and talk about big life topics and I'm glad we encouraged him.
I have great adoptive moms in my life who only need a one-sentence text from me before they call to encourage me through the tough stuff. No offense, but now I know you have to go through it to understand.
Last weekend I was able to go to Denver to the "Empowered to Connect" conference based on the book "The Connected Child" and the work of Dr. Karyn Purvis, PhD. and Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development. I learned more about investing in my home-grown kids than I ever imagined and came home encouraged and ready to start fresh. Plus I slept without interruption for TWO nights while I was away.
My neighbor brought me a beautiful potted orchid yesterday and wasn't offended in the least when I had to cut our visit short to put my tired girl down for her too-short nap.
One of my very best friends here knows I'm sleep deprived and struggling to ride the waves of this new journey. Each morning she texts me an encouragement from scripture and asks how she can pray for me and if she can help me by doing a grocery run or other tangible task. Did I mention that she has six kids of her own??? I am one lucky lady.
I could go on with the good, but I will end with the fact that this "trial" which is really such joy mixed with adjustment, has enriched my marriage to a wonderful new level. My Beloved has been transformed by the emotion/struggle/joy/fullness of our experience. He is more tender and passionate about all of us. He is quick to find humor as well as flexible to our unpredictable needs despite the demands on him to provide financially for this family of seven. Next month we will celebrate 15 years of marriage. He is the rock that keeps us all centered and I simply adore him.
I have a post written in my drafts folder describing some of the realities of how hard these last three weeks have been.
I don't want to forget how hard it has been. I don't think I will, simply because I haven't been glossing it over to other people either. Many people have asked me how it is going and I have been truthful in responses.
It is like nothing else I have experienced.
It is harder than having a newborn, for sure.
The days are pretty good, but we covet sleep.
It is just hard, but I'm looking forward to finding a new normal in my life, free of the newness, free of visitors (doesn't mean I don't love them), and in a solid routine.
I have tried to take the time to explain to several people WHY it is so hard, but the words just don't do it justice. Part of the reason is that it is a uniquely lonely time. There is no one that can come in and fix what is wrong, we just have to trudge on through.
I have been clinging to the knowledge that God works through the tough stuff in life. I know He does, but I just felt like a constant failure. We love this girl so much and there is so much hurt for her to overcome. We can't do it for her. We can only be here to help her through it.
At one particularly teary moment for me, I sobbed to a friend, "I know that God is here, but I don't feel Him. I don't see His power in all of this and I want to so badly!!!"
Three things happened over the last 24 hours that gave me some peace and hope.
1. At our couples' Bible study last night, while hashing through the topic of prayer, my eyes came across a note I wrote in my Bible long ago in 1 John regarding verse 5:4 ("for everyone born of God overcomes the world.") At some point in time I wrote down a quote by author Max Lucado - "In your frustration you wonder where the power of God is. Be patient. God is using today's difficulties to strengthen you for tomorrow. He is equipping you. The God who makes things grow will help you bear fruit. Dwell on the fact that God lives within you. Think about the power that gives you life."
I'm being equipped. He's with me. And I'm grateful.
2. We had a great day today! Particularly, nap time (which has been a time of panic, grief, and lots of screaming) went more smoothly than ever and it gave me hope that we WILL get there. We played outside, read stories, laughed, and snuggled. She jibber-jabbered more than ever to us (mandarin maybe? two year old talk, for sure). Tonight, she saw that my phone was sitting on Kenyon's lap and she leaned over and picked it up and said, "Mama, (then some jibberish equal to "here's your phone")!" We all laughed at what a smarty pants she is.
3. I read THIS by my sister in-law and felt comforted by the fact that she has been to a place much darker than I am right now and now she is on the other side with hind sight perspective and COMFORT.
She gave me the gift of comfort in darkness as well.
So, to sum it up - it has been hard, but it is getting better. Small victories keep me pressing on with hope.
Easter was fun - but our family photo was pathetic. Rufus was actually in a good mood but wanted to spoil the picture on purpose. Sweet, huh?
She was sure cute though.
We rock rock rock to sleep each afternoon and night.
Our friends that we met in China sent us this. We want this for her room:
If you didn't hear me in my last post, let me just say again how appreciative we are for all of the support we are receiving. So many people are pursuing us through phone calls and emails and face to face visits.
Of course, not one person can resist our daughter's cuteness.
She is magical for sure.
As she is exposed to more and more of our wonderful friends and social circles, I have found myself needing to put this post out there.
Joya has been put through a significant trauma. She wasn't physically abused, but her emotional life was turned upside down less than three weeks ago when we took her from her foster family and her birth country and culture.
Although she greets most everyone with a "Ha-low" (hello) and has smiles and funny faces and songs that draw us all in, she is still learning who her forever family is. If you have been reading our China posts, you know that initially she was clinging to Kenyon. She didn't want anything to do with me for the first week.
Slowly, she tolerated me and allowed me to be the food maker, poop checker, and snot wiper. But she still almost exclusively wanted her dad.
Now that we are home, she is not panicked when Kenyon is out of sight. In fact, he is out of town on business for two days and she and I have made some strides. She comes to me for her needs and accepts affection and comfort from me - she has even initiated affection toward me, which is HUGE to me.
When entering a room, 'normal' toddlers will usually hang back a bit and look to their parents for a 'read' on the situation. They are cautious and will take cues from their parents on how they are to act in that environment, with those people.
Because she has only been with us 2.5 weeks, Joya still looks to everyone as potential caregivers.
Our main issue at this point in time is trying to help Joya to realize that we are her parents. While we are so excited for everyone to meet her, I hope you will understand when we redirect her back to ourselves if she asks you to pick her up. Please feel free to smile at and engage her, blow kisses and talk to her, but please resist the urge to scoop her up and squeeze her.
I know, it is tough to resist.
If she wants food, feel free to bring it to our attention, but it is really important that we be the ones to feed her or "deliver" her food to her. It's not that we don't want to share her or that we don't want you to touch her. It's that she needs to learn who her parents are and attach to us in a healthy way.
This takes time and we want to do it right. We are hoping that you can all understand that we don't desire to be overprotective, but we want to prevent any long term emotional problems by doing this well. When we see this secure attachment forming, we'll be encouraging her to have relationships with other adults as we do with our sons.
So, please come see us and enjoy our entertaining children! We know you'll do nothing but support us and thank you in advance for honoring our request.
I can tell you that the number of responses we received while we were in China, combined with the requests for updates within the five days we have been home have been heartwarming and overwhelming. Thank you for your love and support during this life changing experience. We woke up every morning in China and would immediately boot up our iPad to see what you all had to say to us while we were sleeping via blog, faceb**k, or email.
You gave us a support network and a connection to "home," and we thank you sincerely. We think your support is priceless.
Our experience is going to take several (many?) posts to do justice, so while I have your ear (eyes?), I will tell you that I intend to do so. Be patient with me because between my body's (as well as my daughter's) lagging time zone acknowledgement, as well as managing FIVE kids, will require an act of God to get regular blog posts out to you.
Start praying people. Um, I meant now... yeah, take a break and pray. ;-)
So, in characteristic form, this sleep-deprived post will end in pertinent bullet points devoted to the "need-to-know" (or maybe the slightly entertaining): (YES, I LIKE USING PARENTHESES TONIGHT!!!!!)
We returned to find out that our generous friends from various circles have signed up to bring us dinners every other night until the end of April (and one supply of rockin' frozen banana pancakes to microwave on my many my crazy mornings). My dear friend Deb, who also hosted my awesome toddler shower in January, coordinated it all and we are just in awe. Side note: I am the girl who will NEVER turn down an offer for a dinner I don't have to make myself!!! All we can say is THANK YOU!!!! Such a simple thing helps so tremendously (especially for this non-cook)!!!
My dear friend Amy, who first introduced me to orphans with my trip to a Russian orphanage in 2006, has offered (okay, agreed to) creating Joya's "Gotcha Video" because she is UBER talented on the video-making-to-drive-you-to-tears-and-cherish-forever stuff. Now, I just have to mail her the jump drive with the 5 GB of photos and video. Put aside your box of tissues now. No, I'm serious. Do it!
My mom and favorite aunt were here for eight days before we came home (taking over for my only and cherished sister/BFF/soulmate to take care of our boys) and stayed until today. We could not have made it through jet lag and Joya's crying nights without their help during the days. How do you ever say an adequate thank you for such great sacrifices? We are without words. Mom - my husband is thinking of moving you in with us just for more of your sandwiches.
Joya is doing well considering we have only had her with us for 15 days, counting the 4.5 days here at home. My Beloved made an accurate observation that her "renewed" grief since we've been home is likely because she is so stinkin' smart (save for college or not?) and has pieced together the fact that she is now with the people she has seen in her photo book for months now, and realizes that she is never returning to live with her foster family. She cries out in the night for her foster mom and expresses genuine anxiety and panic when she realizes that it is close to bed time (which we did NOT see at any of our stops in China). Her grief is inconsolable and I am jealous for the newborn experience when I could comfort and nurse a child back to sleep. Not so now. I ride the wave and die to my own desires - purely by asking and receiving from God's grace (my BFF's will tell you that I am NOT a woman who functions well on sleep deprivation). She has been through a pure trauma and I will not traumatize her even more.
She is having GREAT days though. Awake time is happy time filled with puzzles, playing, eating, and learning. Very fun and we are really enjoying it - every one of us.
The boys are LOVING it. Kenyon has mentioned that if we didn't have the support of our little men for our new pink addition, he just might have thoughts of regretting the decision. But he doesn't because he is just smitten with her in every way, shape, and form, and so are our men.
Her attachment to her Daddy has lessened from panic to affection. We both realize that it was really an attachment of safety and security, not of emotional connection. That is okay with us for sure, but we are both looking forward to connecting with her in a GENUINE and growing love for each other. It is growing and changing every day.
I am so grateful for my in-laws and their willingness to honor my request to come from Pennsylvania for my boys' spring break. These grandparents definitely wanted to meet our new addition, but they are going to be such a help to us while the boys are on break and Joya still needs quite a bit of attention in order to bond with her mommy and daddy. My husband's mom has a special gift for cooking projects, treasure hunts, and group outings. I asked, and they honored. Again, thank you just doesn't cut it.
I still have so much to say about our trip. I want to tell you about the reality of adoption, the amazing organization "Love Without Boundaries", and the complete dissolving of our "American" impression of the nation and people of China. So, at the very least, count on that from me.
And pictures..... lots of pictures. (C'mon, you know I love the shock value!!!)
How do we even put our Gotcha Day into words? This poor girl was loved so well that she is grieving very hard tonight. She was standing in the middle of the semi-busy room that we met her in. When we greeted her with a Mandarin "hello" she answered with an English "hello" and laughed with us when we laughed. She clapped and cheered for herself and the entire time she clutched the red photo book that we mailed to her several months ago.
Her loving foster family had already taught her that we were Mama and Baba (daddy in Mandarin) and she definitely recognized us.
The goodbye after we had signed our temporary guardianship paperwork was simply painful. The foster mother was barely holding back her tears as I was, but neither of us wanted to make it worse for Joya.
We got back to the room and our guide helped us try to calm her down with food and drink. She has cried a lot though with the exception of when we Face Timed with Kenyon's parents. She was giggly and animated and took right to "swiping" the iPad.
Then we returned right back to just plain sad. She much prefers daddy over me and I'm just happy she prefers someone. They are both finally asleep and I am typing this on my iPad which has no formatting ability at all. I'm going to upload a few pictures of our baby doll and then let my tears flow for her loss as I try to sleep.
Thank you for all the comments and support. We are reading each one.
Also, I was notified that my dear friend Ashley's mom passed away this morning from a long battle with cancer. Please pray for their family's tears as well.
This is a unique day in our paths, for I am certain that we are both wondering similar things today about the same special little girl that neither of us are able to be with. Are you wondering what our sweet two year old girl looks like? Are you wondering if she will get a party today or open any presents?
Are you sharing my questions about her care and if she knows that she is an orphan? Do you have any suspicions about what her future holds?
Are you remembering the moment you realized that she could not be yours forever? I wonder about you all the time. I wonder if you knew her fate before you gave birth, or whether upon holding her in your arms your tears fell because her gender or medical needs forced you to give her up.
Are you picturing the day you wrapped her tiny body in a blanket, placed her in a paper box, tucked a note with her information beside her, and kissed her goodbye? I'm wondering if you watched from afar as she was found on the doorstep you left her on. Did you ever walk by the orphanage hoping to catch a glimpse of her?
I'm certain that you are wondering about me as well. Was your written request for someone to adopt her fulfilled? Where is she in the world? Does she have siblings? Medical care? Parents that kiss and cuddle her? A warm bed? A limitless future?
Whatever the reasons were for leaving her that day, I wish you could know that I think you are brave and I am grateful that you gave her life. Whatever the reasons were that prevented you from being her forever mommy, I wish you could know that you will never be forgotten.
Because, although we can't celebrate with her either today, we will be with her soon and plan to celebrate many, many birthdays with her. We will tell her what we know and as she grows, give her the freedom and opportunities to learn all she can about her beginnings.
We will fulfill your request to adopt her and heal her and open the lid to her future so that she can make whatever she wants of it. We pray that she grows up to make a difference in the lives of others and make the world better, giving glory to the one who knitted her together in your womb.
My heart is tied to yours today as we wish Joya a happy birthday from much too far away.
Our journey to being matched with our daughter had resulted in fulfilling confirmations of our decision to move forward. We shared the news to everyone we could think of and sometimes just sat dreamily with smiles on our faces while we felt the love in our hearts grow for our daughter.
I mentioned previously the "compressed air" feeling of my emotions toward her, but my man described it perfectly (and hilariously) during the days immediately after our announcement. "I feel like the Grinch at the end of the movie when his heart starts pounding and his emotions knock him on his rear."
It starts about at about 1 minute 30 seconds in this clip.
Oh how I love my Grinch.
I was recently reconnected with an old high school friend who is adopting from China and was just matched with her daughter as well. We have exchanged some emails and she told me that she found out the meaning of her daughter's Chinese name. I realized that I had never even thought to ask about the meaning of our daughter's name, so I wrote to the person at our agency who is Chinese by birth and fluent in Mandarin to ask her to translate for me.
"Rough and tumble", "stands with a fist", or "takes no crap from brothers" would have been perfectly appropriate translations and would have made me confident that she will fit in around here just fine.
But the reply I received was more perfect than anything I could have made up.
Her Chinese name means "In the light of winter".
Seriously, if you've been around for very long on this blog, you know that we live in (what feels like) eternal winter. Our summers feel like other regions' winters. In fact, we don't really put out winter clothes away, we just take some shorts and t-shirts out to add to the mix. We smiled when we realized that our sweetie was made for winter.
Predictably, the cold weather and snow started to blow into our mountain town and in the coming weeks, I had the chore of changing out everyone's summer and winter clothes (well, really just putting away shorts and sandals), including my own.
I came across a treasure that I received nearly 15 years ago to the day. My dear friend Karen and I met early in our freshman year of college and have always been close. On the outside, Karen and I can appear quite different. She like bare feet, I like shoes to protect my soles. She likes big cities, adventures, and risks into the unknown. Me, I like small towns, well planned out trips, and certainly knowing what I'm getting into.
On the inside, Karen and I are quite similar and where we differ, we very much compliment each other. We have shared many cups of coffee and bottles beer over the years sharing our dreams, passions, and lots of laughter. I am so thankful that we have not lost touch in the 15+ years since we graduated from college and I'm sure that we will still be calling each other in 25 years to share laughter over the births of our grandchildren and sorrows over the loss of loved ones.
When we graduated from college, Karen chose to spend two years in the Peace Corps. I remember being in the campus library when she came bounding in to tell me where she had been assigned.
"I'm going to China!!!" she told me with a hug and a smile.
And she did. She spent two years in China at the foothills of the Himalayas teaching English to Chinese high school students. Although my kids find it hard to believe, we didn't have email during those days, so Karen and I were faithful pen pals across that tremendous ocean. In the fall of 1996, she mailed me a beautiful piece of artwork from her new home.
This beautiful scroll is a wall hanging that I have kept with me for 15 years. I have moved it many times from one home to the next, and always had it tucked in a safe place. In fact, my husband (the de-clutter freak) has suggested many times that I get rid of it because I've never had quite the right place to hang it. I refused every time, saying that I didn't care if we never hung it up, I would keep it until my dying day because it was dear to me.
Little did I know how dear it really was.
As I was taking out my sweaters and putting away my shorts, I saw the scroll peeking out from the open bin from underneath my bed. I have looked at it many times in 15 years, but this time I had new eyes to see it with.
The pink flowers and Chinese writing instantly made it the perfect centerpiece for Mrs. Nesbit's bedroom. I was excited to bring it out and start planning her room around this precious keepsake.
But it gets better.
I have never detached the note that Karen sent with her gift. I have read this note so many times, but again, with new eyes, I was able to see that God had planned this perfectly.
"October 24, 1996. Laurie, I like to think of a piece of China hanging on your soon-to-be own apartment wall next to your photographs from all over the world. The words at the top are a poem that talk about a man who is far away from home that misses his friends and family. I cannot begin to express how much I long to have you near. Think of how much I love you when you glance at the plum blossom. My friend described this winter flower as 'the one that comes out when the others go away.' Always near you, Karen"
Immediately, my eyes filled with tears as the goose bumps formed on my arms. In all the times I have read this note simply to feel close to my dear friend who has since lived far away from me, never did I dream that the note spoke of my daughter!
Joya will suffer grief in some form as a girl stretched between two continents. Her love and loyalties will be challenged and distributed. Although right now, she is lucky enough to be in a loving foster home from just days after she was found, the painful part of that is that she has no idea that she is an orphan.
When she is placed into our arms in a few months, she will not feel relief that she finally has a family. She will justifiably feel confused and angry and ripped from the only family she has known. The family she loves.
But we will wait for our little plum blossom to show herself. We know that she is the winter flower that will blossom with us when the others go away. We will patiently endure her emotions through the transition and growth into connection with her new family.
Today marks a year since the life changing accident that took our friends' baby from this earth.
There hasn't been a day in the past year that I haven't thought about it.
To remember Major in a tangible way, I have watched his tribute video a handful of times. I have thought a lot about the song that was chosen.
It is titled, "After the Last Tear Falls."
I have thought about the fact that there is always a last tear that falls. There will someday be a last tear that Major's family cries for him.
There is sure to come a time when memories of him trigger sweet memories, but enough tears have fallen.
"After the last year that's just too hard, there is love." This year has been just that for our friends and it has been painful to watch.
I have wrestled with the obvious "why" question. Why such a tragic accident? Why to such a great family? Why not someone else?
Why not me?
I don't have complete answers. But I do know this: Major's accident does not change who God is.
And the Bible tells us that He is both loving and sovereign.
These are two characteristics that I struggle to understand how they can co-exist in a situation like this. How could our loving God who has all power and all sovereignty allow this to happen?
Then I remember Jesus. The perfect example of a loving God who loved us so much that He sent His very own son to die an undeserved and brutal death so that we may have eternal life with a holy God.
"The tears that have fallen were caught in the palms of the giver of love and the lover of all."
So, I also remember as Darcy herself told me one day. We have the perspective like ants in an ant hill, and do not see from the viewpoint of the one who stands above looking at a much broader view.
Only, the difference is we are not ants. The One who stands above us created us with a plan for our eternity.
This fall will mark 20 years since the day I asked God into my life and since then, Easter seasons have passed with different meanings to my heart.
When I was first getting to know God, I celebrated Easter with a thankfulness to Him for revealing to me that I didn't have to depend on human beings in my life to fill that hole in my heart.
There were other seasons that I mourned with gratefulness the sacrifice He made for me. What a gift to be so easily received... the gift of grace. I don't need to DO anything or NOT DO anything once I have accepted the gift; I don't need a pastor or a church leader to intervene for me.
I just need Jesus. He loves me as I am, and He paid the ransom.
And there have been other years when I've been blown away by the abounding LOVE He has for me.
A lot has happened since we last celebrated Easter to set the tone for this year's Easter season. Three events stand out.
These three have left me battered and bruised and I don't know whether I will ever completely heal. Here on earth, it is very sad. I see these three families with a missing piece to their puzzle. And I've asked, "why?" a lot.
Within the last couple of weeks, the word "eternal" has slowly been impressed upon my heart.
It is something I have known throughout these 20 years, but I have not had to live through events that really allowed this truth to sink in. Going to heaven when we die to spend eternity with our holy God... yes that is the promise that Christ's unjust punishment and resurrection brings me.
But it has suddenly dawned on me....
We are created for eternity.
We are not created for this world.
These babies who have left us too soon by our human standards have been translated from death to life because of Christ. Jesus has destroyed death and has brought us forgiveness of sins and life everlasting.
Hebrews 2:14 "Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death - that is, the devil."
If death is the last enemy, then the last enemy has been destroyed! I need to change in order to accommodate this line of thinking, and this change can only come through His grace in His great love for me. Thus, a very rich meaning is given to my life as I approach God continuously, and ever more intimately.
And I will remember - in the end what I should live for is not for just another day here, but for that very day there.
Life eternal.
Isaiah 53:5-8 "But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped and we were healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the guilt and sins of us all. He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led as a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. From prison and trial they led him away to his death. But who among the people realized that he was dying for their sins - that he was suffering their punishment?"
Amy and I took a few quiet moments on our last morning to watch the video taped burial service for our sweet Olivia Kate.
I was bummed that I wasn't able to be there to say goodbye to my little namesake and support my sister, but I was so thankful to be able to watch it.
Earlier in the weekend, Amy had shared the precious keepsakes from Olivia's birth. The hospital staff did a phenomenal job creating tangible memories of Olivia.
In addition to making a mold of Olivia Kate's feet, the nurses made perfect hand and foot prints and photographs that were so peaceful and perfect, positioning her just as if she were cuddling her little teddy bear, sound asleep.
I shared the story of the amazing funeral director who proved to us all that there are kind and generous people in the world.
He performed the graveside service and did such a nice job sharing his heart as well as the hope we have despite tragic losses such as Olivia's premature death.
Early in Amy's pregnancy we all referred to Olivia as "Baby B" and my niece Amelia coined the name "Butterfly," which quickly took over how we referred to her.
At the end of the burial service, Amelia noticed that a caterpillar had crawled across the grass of the cemetery and nuzzled itself right against the detailed edge of Olivia's little casket.
"I don't believe in coincidences." the funeral director announced.
Neither do I.
It was if the Lord reached down and spoke to all of us who are hurting so in her absence.
"You have only seen Olivia Kate in her earthly form, a little caterpillar that had yet to finish her journey. I have healed her completely and made her whole. She will not struggle and she will not suffer pain. Her butterfly transformation is complete, as I have removed her earthly cloak for all of eternity."
John 16:33 "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Well, last week I couldn't blog about anything because my sister was in labor and my heart was with her, not here on the keyboard. I have been savoring every picture that has come to my screen of my new niece, so now I will share them with you!
Vivian Elise was born last Tuesday, August 19th. She weighed in at 8 lb. 11 oz. and 21.5 in. long. Amy had a completely natural labor and delivery in the hospital and is doing great now at home recovering.
I am going to see her in a couple weeks and I can't wait to get my hands on the little munchkin!
Vivian's twin sister,our sweet little Butterfly, arrived shortly after her. Amy and Terry gave her the name Olivia Kate, which is particularly sweet to me and I can't post about it without crying because Kate is my middle name.
Olivia weighed 10 oz. and was 10 in. long.
Although I wasn't there, I was told that everyone got to visit with Olivia and say tender goodbyes to her that day.
On a really sweet sidenote, Amy and Terry went to the funeral home a couple of days ago to arrange the cremation of Olivia's body. The funeral director spoke with them about options for the ashes after the cremation, and mentioned that if they planned to bury them, why not just have a burial to begin with?
Enter suspicions that funeral director is trying to make a few extra bucks.
Wrong.
When they asked how much a burial would cost, he explained that 15 years ago his wife was pregnant with twin boys and lost one twin.
The plot at the cemetery would be $75 and the rest "was taken care of."
They were as shocked as you are. When they tried to respond with some chain of words that might make sense, he simply said, "If I could change things for you, I would, but this is what I can do."
There are truly kind people in this world and it is nice to be reminded.
Olivia Kate will be buried this Thursday, August 28th at 1 p.m. central time. Please keep their family in your thoughts and prayers.
My sweet niece will be coming out to meet us in a month or so. Isn't she cute? I love her already!
It's been a rough road for my sister Amy and her husband. After getting a little extra help to conceive a child, they got the wonderful news that they were expecting twins! Of course, we were all overjoyed and I even found myself a bit jealous, because isn't two babies even better than one????
Early on in the pregnancy, there were physical signs that Baby B might have some problems. An amniocentesis gave the definitive diagnosis that she had down syndrome. My sister and her husband took it all in stride, a bit grieved, but still bravely embracing these sweet baby girls into their family. Their two older daughters also continued to rejoice in expectation of their new sisters. One even dubbed them "Angel and Butterfly" (for Baby A and Baby B).
Every ultrasound showed that these girls were healthy and strong and that Butterfly so far lacked any of the major issues that can often come with her genetic disorder.
So when I got the phone call, I wasn't prepared... at all.
My sweet sister, still laying on the ultrasound table, choked back the sobs and I knew it was bad.
"Baby B is gone."
Heartbreak.
What started as a routine ultrasound to check on the girls' growth turned into the day that none of us will ever forget.
The day I would not wish on anyone.
I searched for words through my own tears. Nothing comforting or profound came to me, and I cursed the thousand miles that separates our homes. If we lived even in the same time zone, I would have been in my soccer-mom-mobile in a split second and on my way to her side - speeding tickets be damned!
Because hugging her and crying with her was all that was appropriate at that moment.
She was forced to wear a cloak of grief that I would take for my own wardrobe if I was able.
A handful of weeks have passed and our entire family is tip-toeing past the wave of grief to peek around the corner ahead to our sweet "Angel" who will be in our arms cooing, and smiling and making us laugh in no time. Amy and Terry are decorating her nursery in butterflies to honor her twin who's absence will be painfully obvious.
I was out shopping for a few things the other night and I found myself in baby stores finding adorable baby girl clothes adorned in butterflies.
I spent a ridiculous amount of money on butterfly clothes for her.
But clothes are the last thing that Amy needs. What she needs is something I can't give her.
She needs her daughter back. She needs her twin girls side by side. But from now on at every stage of Baby A's life, we'll be wondering what Baby B would have looked like or acted like.
She will always be missed.
I have mentioned before that the reason I started reading blogs was because someone brought my attention to a child with cancer. And one sick child led to another, and another and another.
Being exposed to people like this, or this, or this has molded me. I have changed into a mom who hugs her kids a little harder than before. I have been made aware of the preciousness of life, how it can change in a single moment and never be the same.
I can't explain away tragedies like this. I can't give my sister or any of these people definitive answers to why they are dealt suffering in this way.
The Bible tells us that trials build character and strengthen faith which is more precious than gold.
If anything, this hurt feels like a scrub brush to my heart. It has left a raw spot that has made life fresh and tender and each morning has a sacredness to it that I want to savor.
Our sweet little Butterfly will not be forgotten. And I know we can't have her back, so I will always be thankful for the open wound she left.
My friend Ashley gave me the honor of witnessing her baby boy come into the world.
She allowed me to be there to say hello and goodbye.
Ashley found out on Thursday afternoon that her baby no longer had a heartbeat and most likely had passed away somewhere around 16 weeks gestation.
Sadness.
My love for my friend drove me to making a meal and arranging for meals for the days to come. That is all I could do - because I couldn't do anything else to make it better.
After dropping off dinner for her family, I just had to go visit her at the hospital while she was laboring. I know that no words take away the pain, but I was hoping that having a friend stand beside her in her grief would strengthen her to get through the agony of labor and delivery of her son who would not be coming home to nurse and be cuddled.
Ashley and I laugh a lot together. I am so grateful that our friendship is deep enough to cry together too. She was my very first friend when we moved here and has since become a confidant, a mentor and encourager. She is a woman who practices what she preaches and is genuine, loving, generous and wise. When I peeked my head in her hospital room door, she saw me and said, "My friend!" She didn't know I was coming down to see her, and I didn't know that I would be staying for her long night of labor.
As we chatted, I sat on the doctor's rolling stool at the foot of her bed and started to rub her feet and legs. The tears came in waves for both of us. I noticed the baby warmer waiting with receiving blankets draped over it. The instrument table was set up, covered with green hospital drapes to be unveiled for delivery. The monitor screen showed the peaks and valleys of her contractions.
I quickly noticed what was missing. There was no "woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh" of a baby's heartbeat from the monitor. In fact, the plugs where those cords would be attached to the machine remained empty and the graph at the top of the screen was blank.
I have no answers. Only questions. I don't know why God allows tragedies to happen.
I do know that when we walk with Him through valleys with a broken heart, wholly surrendered, that He uses circumstances for change in us and in others.
Ashley labored seven more hours while I just sat and rubbed. Her husband Brian read scripture and prayed with her. He was an emotional rock for Ashley to rest upon. Her nurse Alicia was amazing. She had the perfect balance of sympathy and care. Ashley's brother arrived and some dear friends from their church added to the mix. We laughed, talked and prayed.... and waited.
It seemed that her labor wasn't progressing. She seemed anxious about that. Alicia kept assuring us that delivery would probably be a whirlwind and happen quickly.
She was right. When her visitors left so that she could get her next dose of labor inducing medication, her contractions finally kicked into high gear and she started focusing on the end.
Soon the end arrived. With one push their little boy was out. Oh, so small. He weighed only six ounces. More tears, but relief that it was over. As Brian comforted Ashley, I quietly walked over to the warmer to see the little guy. His face was quiet. His eyes were still fused closed. His hands and feet were so TINY, so detailed, so perfect. His hand was smaller than my fingernail on my little finger.
Precious. I feel honored to have witnessed this intimate moment with my friend. Please keep her and her family in your prayers.
"For you created my most inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16
