he said, she said

Fifteen years ago today I became his wife and he became my husband.  We recited the traditional wedding vows and fed each other cake and left the building as Mr. and Mrs. Sweeney.

Fifteen years and five kids later, here we are.

If you've missed it, I told our dating and engagement story on our eleventh anniversary, titled "LOVE is a verb".

For our twelfth anniversary, I wrote the glass blower which talked about how the seasons of marriage change with time.

I seemed to have skipped year thirteen, but last year I wrote a letter to my 22 year-old self as I was reflecting on fourteen years of marriage.

This year I decided on a "He Said, She Said" question and answer format.  It is always fun to hear from his side of the marriage relationship.  His honest answers make me giggle and cherish him that much more.

1.  What do you remember about your decision to propose?

He Said:  We had a fight over whether your dog would live indoors or outdoors.  We didn’t speak for three days and I quickly decided that life was empty without you and I needed to seal this deal quickly.

She Said:  I didn't propose, but I knew we were heading that direction.  I knew that he was the man I wanted to marry.  We had the same values, enjoyed doing the same things, and made each other laugh.  And we still do.  I'm so glad he asked!

2.  How has marriage been different or the same as your expectations as a single adult?

He Said:  I entered marriage with the delusion that it would be the same as being a single adult (I was 22 after all) except I would be living with my best friend.  This naïve belief was quickly shattered within the first month and led to a tumultuous 18 months of marriage.  However, during that time I never questioned my decision since I had sampled three days without Laurie and knew that was untenable (as a first born I don’t mind a little conflict in my life….keeps it interesting).

She Said:  Marriage has been very different than I expected as a very young single adult.  Luckily, now I haven't known any other life.  I have several friends who got married at a much more mature age than we did, so I'm sure they had time to savor or lament the single life.  Not me.  Being married at 22 years old means that we had to do a lot of our adult maturing together - and that's messy. 

We had to figure out how to live on our own, build a relationship, succeed at our work, balance our extended families, and just put the puzzle of our life (and individual lives) together.  Not to mention adding our first child at 26 years old.  Managing finances was much more complicated than I expected (must we really have a plan for the future? ;-)) 

Conflict within marriage was so much harder than I anticipated and we had to work through many years - and still even now - of learning to resolve conflict in a healthy way (I'm a middle child, so I RUN from conflict).

3.  What has marriage taught you?

He Said: 
-  Choosing your spouse is the ABSOLUTELY most critical decision you will EVER make in your life and you better choose wisely (seek wise read OLD counsel).
-  The world doesn’t actually revolve around me.
-  Physical aspects of marriage are incredible, but make up an infinitesimal fraction of married life.
-  Love/speak to your spouse the way they want to receive words/love, not how you want to give it.
-  I am lucky/blessed to be married to Laurie Kate Sweeney.

She Said:
-  Ditto to all the above although insert Kenyon in his last point.
-  I will add that marriage has taught me (the hard way) that I find joy and contentment when I stop focusing on myself and look for opportunities to serve others.  For the last decade and a half, that has meant serving my husband and children.  I have not always been good at it and often have to learn the same lesson over and over.  Marriage works better when each parties are more concerned with the other's needs.  It is not easy, but it is true.
-  Things usually change for the better as soon as I find a way to be content with how they are now.  Contentment is a decision.

4.  If you haven't addressed it in the previous answers, what is/was the toughest part of marriage?  Or do you have a biggest regret?

He Said:
-  Worrying about finances and allowing this to be a flash point in our relationship.
-  Not choosing my words more carefully in conflicts in our first 2 years of marriage (or occasionally in the present).

She Said:  The toughest part for me has for sure been times of conflict.  Well, equal to it is deciding to die to myself and put my husband before me.

My biggest regret is hanging onto unforgiveness.  I wasted so much time with grudges and if I could go back and do it better, I would.

5.  What is your favorite memory (excluding births) in your marriage?

He Said: 
-  Laughing with each other (i.e. Naples liquor store run, Pop up camper malfunction at Utah Lake, Boys “rafting” down CJ’s stream, listening to Car Talk on way to Moab, etc…)

She Said:  My favorite memories are the relaxing times that we have been able to appreciate "just us" by getting away from all the noise of everyday life.  Whether we get away for one overnight at Stein's, or a weekend in Palm Desert, or ten days in Ireland, we always laugh and connect and come home refreshed in our relationship.  Above all, we are reminded that we really like each other.

6.  What are your marriage goals looking forward?

He Said:
-  To LIKE each other more in 30 years than we do today.  (side note:  we really do like each other now).

She Said:  I really want to work to out-serve each other.  We are always happier when we are working to make the other's needs above our own.  I am mindful of the fact that we won't have a houseful of kids forever and when they're gone, we need to like being together.

I also want to make time alone together a priority.  We recently realized that our date nights alone have become a thing of the past, but really enjoyed our time together one day when we had to repair something together at our rental property.  We decided that our evenings are busy with five kids, so we're going to get a sitter for breakfast or lunch dates instead and enjoy the daytime together.

7.  What is your favorite quality of your spouse?

He Said:
-  Sense of humor
-  Drive to care for those in need
-  Desire to love me selflessly
-  Independent & strong

She Said: 
-  Sense of humor
-  Willingness to father a huge family (and work to father each one well) 
-  Drive to provide for this huge family 
-  Willingness to apologize with a humble and sincere heart (even going so far to use the word "jacka$$" in reference to his behavior, which never fails to make me laugh)
-  Passionate about people and things that matter to him.
-  Loyal always

focus on the good, not the sucky

It is 9:09 p.m.  I have five kids upstairs in bed and asleep.  The kitchen is minimally cleaned up, but I still have to make three of the four lunches for school tomorrow because Sauce decided to make his own tonight (he also put away his clean laundry without being asked - who is that kid???).

It feels like 11:45 p.m.

I ran into a friend at the park today (on account of the rare warm spell) who joked with me that she is stalking my blog for an update.

There is such a mixed bag of what goes on each day, and it is against my nature not to share both.  So, I'll start with the sucky, and because we are all focusing on the good, I will end with that.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Sucky:

• I had to get out of bed ten times last night.  Maybe more.  She wakes up scared to death - anywhere between two and ten times each night.
• Sleep apnea might be contributing to her night troubles and we're investigating that medically.
• I had to work hard to muster a smile for anyone this morning and there was more than one tear.
• Squirt's adjustment has manifested in fear of bad guys and often being sad when I drop him off at school.
• I am ready to fire the housekeeper.  Wait, I don't have one.  I cannot keep my house clean for the life of me - even to my sadly low standards.
• My new state of family-cocoon works to prevent me from seeing friends socially.  I saw a couple of preschool parents by chance at the park this morning as I was trying to exhaust my daughter enough to submit to a long(er) nap (failed by the way).  I realized that this has to be the new normal for now.
• I don't answer a lot of phone calls or initiate them either.
• For now, I can't handle more than finding my balance in my new normal.

Good:

• Our boys ADORE their sister.  They have been the loft to my balloon when I'm discouraged.  Even when she is rotten to them, they are nothing but devoted to her.
• She goes to bed without protest and has adapted to a bedtime routine beautifully.
• We are still getting meals from loving friends (we've been home since 3/29).  I have already announced to all dependent parties that I have forgotten how to cook.
• Every day I take tags off of new items of clothing for Joya.  And I haven't purchased a thing on my own dime.
• She lets me put "pretties" in her hair and we admire my work together.
• Through our pre-bedtime rocking chair time, she has learned where her nose, ears, eyes, hair, mouth, and fingers are.  We work on more each night.
• She understands everything we say in English.  I'm sure she's going to start spouting out sentences when we least expect it.
• Normally not ticklish or physically playful, today I got some full blown belly laughs when I gobbled on her armpits during a diaper change.  And she wanted more.  Smile.
• Despite my Beloved's busy travel schedule, I have been able to keep up with the Taxi-Mom demands of the boys' schedules.
• I take great joy in my boys' enjoying their interests.  We have spring soccer going on and The Hunter and my man both read The H^nger Game$ series together (I read them last year).  I know there is controversy surrounding exposing kids to this series, but for this boy it was a great opportunity to connect and talk about big life topics and I'm glad we encouraged him.
• I have great adoptive moms in my life who only need a one-sentence text from me before they call to encourage me through the tough stuff.  No offense, but now I know you have to go through it to understand.
• Last weekend I was able to go to Denver to the "Empowered to Connect" conference based on the book "The Connected Child" and the work of Dr. Karyn Purvis, PhD. and Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development.  I learned more about investing in my home-grown kids than I ever imagined and came home encouraged and ready to start fresh.  Plus I slept without interruption for TWO nights while I was away.
• My neighbor brought me a beautiful potted orchid yesterday and wasn't offended in the least when I had to cut our visit short to put my tired girl down for her too-short nap.
• One of my very best friends here knows I'm sleep deprived and struggling to ride the waves of this new journey.  Each morning she texts me an encouragement from scripture and asks how she can pray for me and if she can help me by doing a grocery run or other tangible task.  Did I mention that she has six kids of her own???  I am one lucky lady.
• I could go on with the good, but I will end with the fact that this "trial" which is really such joy mixed with adjustment, has enriched my marriage to a wonderful new level.  My Beloved has been transformed by the emotion/struggle/joy/fullness of our experience.  He is more tender and passionate about all of us.  He is quick to find humor as well as flexible to our unpredictable needs despite the demands on him to provide financially for this family of seven.  Next month we will celebrate 15 years of marriage.  He is the rock that keeps us all centered and I simply adore him.

baba's words

I convinced my man to put some thoughts down about his experience. I didn't direct him to any specific part of this journey on purpose. I knew he would not disappoint.

Enjoy Kenyon's debut as a guest blogger and feel free to leave comments or questions :-).



Well I am not the writer in the Sweeney clan, but my dear wife has asked me to put pen to paper….er…fingers to keyboard and share a man’s perspective on our recent experiences in China.

A few disclaimers on the front end:

First, I am a man fully in love with my new daughter so emotion may be a factor in my comments.

Second, I seek evidence for every position I hold in life and “signs” do not routinely figure into my decision making process. If you all are on board with that then here we go…

When Laur and I first started down this path, one of our motives was to give a little one a home that would have few other options. I envisioned the life of a deformed little girl in China, with no vested family members, protectors, educators, or resources contrasted with the propects of this little girl living in Park City with four tough as nails brothers paving the way for her.

Casts a pretty nice picture, huh?

Well fast forward to September 28, 2011 while I am in Colorado Springs on business and Laur calls to share that we have a file of a little girl to review. Immediately my pulse quickens and my mouth goes dry. We talk about the details and Laur tells me she has “beautiful eyes” and an “assymetrical mouth.” In a matter of hours we had four medical professionals reviewing the file and have an initial diagnosis (hemifacial microsomia).

I do what any educated, well read, and data driven individual does…I “Google” it. The pictures and description are daunting and fear takes hold of my heart and the picture of the little girl with a bright new future is dimmed by my own need for a certain kind of daughter, family, image.

Well, we hem and haw, worry and obsess and then finally I begin to pray and talk with some wise friends. My dear friend Gwen challenges me on two fronts. In a way that only she can, she cuts me to the quick on the image concern and says, “That is your issue you need to deal with.” On the real decision (is this little girl our little girl?) she says, "You need to ask God for a sign.” Well I reluctantly begin to pray for clarity and even an improbable sign.

You can read these blog posts to get caught up on the details of the signs that God has put in front of us (two words: “yellow car”).

What strikes me today that I missed in September is how lovely Joya actually is. The words on the referral letter “assymetrical mouth," the pictures on worst case scenario outcomes of HFM on the National Institute of Health website, my own bias and need to have the perfect picture of an American Family, as well as my fear of dealing with the pain of a girl who doesn’t look normal all STACKED up against me and disabled me from making a decision.

I remember verbalizing this to my dear friend David and his emailed response was, “I am sure you will make the right decision, which is to grab that little girl up as fast as you can!” I realize that the depth of the relationship, intricacies in relating, and real value cannot be communicated in a referral letter, from pictures on a well-respected medical web site, or in the dark recesses of your own mind.

Truly knowing and falling in love happens in looking into her eyes as she sits on your lap, comforting her as she mourns the loss of the family she knew, laughing with her as she learns her second English word, and realizing that we may have only known her for five days, but she already is worth protecting no matter what the cost.

Please keep in mind the aforementioned disclaimers and don’t hold me to following this logic or faith in the rest of my life…but I am sure glad that God gave me the sign I needed to see to grasp hold of this little blessing.

Just my two cents- ks

her story - part three

Click for PART ONE.

Click for PART TWO.

A sign, a sign, a sign.  "God please give us a sign, whether it be a green light or red one.  A wide open doorway, or a closed vault door with an impossible lock.  Most of all, give us eyes to see the sign.  Give us faith to believe that you're sending it.  Increase our faith in the process."

As if God had not already dealt with us GENEROUSLY where our faith lacked in the financial aspect of this process, now we were asking Him to step in and speak to us specifically about this precious little girl.

Our couples' small group prayed with us for a sign.  My sister prayed for a sign.  My brother prayed for a sign.  I honestly lacked faith that we would see the sign or accept it as coming from God.

Isn't it funny that the Bible tells us Gideon asked for a sign in Judges chapter six though eight and how, when God gave him one, he wasn't satisfied.  He asked for another.

We are no different.  We believe God is there, but it is so easy to question Him at every turn.

When the updated pictures of Mrs. Nesbit came to us, again my Beloved was out of state.  I texted him that the pictures were in his email inbox and he later told me that he was standing in the jetway waiting for his gate-checked suitcase, so he booted up his laptop so he could see her immediately.

When he called me later in the day, I asked him if he looked at the pictures and he responded that he did and he thought they were great.

"Did you notice the color of the motorcycle she was sitting on?" I asked with a grin.

"No....  Was it yellow?" he responded.

"Yup." I answered with a giggle.

'It's a sign! It's a sign!'  I wanted to scream and shout.  I wanted to hear my husband say, "Wow, that's clearly the sign.  God knows about our passion for the YELLOW CAR! game.  What may seem ordinary to others, stands out to our family.  We're good to go!"

But that was all in my head.  I knew that it was not my place to be the Holy Spirit in my husband's life and identify the sign for him.  So, I simply smiled and moved on in our conversation.

We waited for another few days to see if that x-ray would come through, but it never did.

One night Kenyon was sitting on the couch looking through the new pictures on his laptop when Sauce walked behind him and peeked over his shoulder.  Our nine year-old son had no idea he was possibly looking at his little sister.  He blurted out one thing.

"YELLOW CAR!"  (smile)  Then he walked away.  He never even asked who was in the picture.

The next Sunday night we were climbing into bed for the night.  It was late (well, 10:30 is late for me) and I was going to read a couple pages of my current book and then get some shut eye.  I had a very busy Monday coming up and I was exhausted.

My Beloved had other plans.  He put his pillow by my feet and told me he wanted to talk.  I said sure, and had a feeling this would be about Mrs. Nesbit.  I was right.

"How do you feel about all this?" he asked.

"How do you feel?" I said, purposely turning it around on him.

"I feel like you're shutting me out.  Why haven't you been talking to me about her?" he answered.

I then explained that I had been intentionally silent, letting him process the situation we were in and the decision we faced.  In a conversation that took another hour, we faced that decision together.

Kenyon said a couple of things that stand out in my memory.  He told me that he heard a quote by Colin Powell that said something like, "If you can't make a decision on 70% of the information, you'll never be able to make the decision."

He also explained that he had come to the realization that his struggle is with wanting control.  He accepted that this was a decision we would have to make with gaps in the information.

AND that he took note of the yellow motorcycle.  Smile.

"I'm in." is how he summed it up as he positioned his pillow back into the rightful place at the top of the bed.

"What?  Did we just make a decision?" I asked with a trembling voice.

"I don't know if you did, but I did." he answered with a smirk.

Oh my word.  The moment passed me by and I didn't even realize it was happening.  "AAAHHHH!  Can I call my sister?" was the first thing out of my mouth.  It was 11:30 in Utah and my sister works the night shift as a nurse in the Chicago suburbs.

Smiling, he said, "Sure, but don't you think we should name her first?"

We knew all along what her first name would be.  Joya was our favorite girl's name for several babies now.  No one knew that though because I never said it out loud to anyone but my husband in all those years.

We took all of two minutes to settle on Christine as her middle name.  Christine is my sister's middle name.  Amy is my only sister and my best friend.

Less than a minute after that, I had Amy on the phone wondering what in tarnation would have me calling so late.  We shared happy tears and giggles over what lay ahead on this journey.

I was thankful for the sign that God sent to us, however, little did we know that the most profound signs were to come AFTER we made the decisions to be Mrs. Nesbit's forever family.

Curious?  Check back soon.

her story - part two

If you haven't read part one, go HERE.

Although I was assured by our agency that an x-ray is not an unreasonable request and should be easily attained, we were never promised that it would happen.  Every few days, I checked in with my main contact there and quickly made myself "the squeaky wheel."

Inside of a week, we received an update about Mrs. Nesbit, consisting of thorough answers to our follow-up questions and six recent and PRECIOUS pictures of her.

Some of our major concerns were taken off the table simply by reading the updated information about her.  But before we announced to the world that we had a daughter, we decided to wait for the x-ray so that we could have a better assessment of her future surgical needs.

We then entered a time of delicate emotions.  My husband wanted as much information as possible so that he (the amazing provider and planner that he is) could prepare himself for what was ahead and make a confident decision that we were the right family for her and her medical needs.

Being less detailed and more a "step of faith" type of girl, this was a struggle for me.  I wanted to take a chance and believe that whatever need met us in the future, we would rise to the occasion with our best effort and God would take care of the rest.

Not being just a planner, but also a very wise man, my husband told me at one point, "Laurie, I can't be pressured into this by you.  I want to be 100% in this so that down the road when it gets hard, as it surely will, I won't blame you.  I will own it."

Enough said.  He made a great point and it reinforced the vow I made on the day we made the decision to pursue adoption.  I promised myself and God to never be in the driver's seat.  I did not want to pressure or force our family into a direction that my husband (and God) may not be on board for.

I immediately imagined my inner emotions toward this little girl as compressed air inside of me.  I kept them to myself.  I prayed for her, prayed for the process, our decision, for my husband, and for our marriage.

When we did finally get word on the x-ray, it wasn't what we hoped.  Her caretakers had taken her for an x-ray, but she wasn't cooperative (go figure for a 21 month old toddler).  Her caretakers had reservations about sedating her in order to get an x-ray, and Kenyon and I were grateful for that.  The last thing we wanted was to cause her any harm.  I dare say that we were feeling like protective parents already.

Although the information relayed was that they would try again, I think we both realized that it was unlikely that we would get this piece without sedation.

I continued on keeping my mouth shut and letting my husband process this life-altering decision in his own way.  Each time the subject came up, I would answer his question or give a short answer and then let the subject die.  I had full faith that he would make the right decision for our family. And whatever it was, I was dedicated to unity.

In the midst of all this, he also decided that we should ask God for a sign.

Hold the phone here..... my husband is not the "sign from God" type of guy.  In fact, although I consider his faith to be one of the most genuine I know, I often tease him that he can be such a cynic sometimes.  A sign from God can be a tricky thing for a cynic to process.  In fact, this was the first time in the 15+ years that I've known him that he was asking for a sign from God.

Next up, we ask and God delivers.

magnificent

Only Love can leave such a mark
But only Love can heal such a scar.

Our lives have turned some major corners in the past year.  After deciding to discontinue home schooling, we sent our three big boys to the local public elementary school for the first time.  What a very big change all around for us, but we all agree that it was a good choice.

Kenyon left the company he had worked for for his entire 15 years of post-college life.  He took a chance at a new opportunity with a more local company.  Always thinking of his hunting season our family, he had the goal in mind that we wouldn't have to move geographically in order for him to move up in his career.

I couldn't be more proud of him.

As a result, we had say good bye to his company car and purchase a newer family truckster.  This is the first time in our marriage that we've owned (and insured, and repaired, and gassed up) two cars.

I know, poor us.

Shortly after his new job started, my Beloved revived a conversation that I had thought was dead some time ago.

You see, from the time we had a few years of parenting under our belts, the subject of orphans had caught our attention and our hearts.  Kenyon was the one who pushed me to go to Russia in 2006 to spend a week loving on precious children who are without families of their own.

That trip changed me.  I brought home with me faces and names, personalities and memories that defined the word "orphans".  There are an estimated 145 million + orphans globally, and I could not run from them or ignore it anymore.  I hugged them, sang with them, played with them, and said goodbye to them.

Then I came home to my loving family.  When I kissed my kids goodnight, I thought of the rooms with 30 beds filled with kids who don't get stories or snuggles or kisses at bedtime.

When my family was laughing and re-living our day at dinner time, I remembered looking into the rooms where those 30 children ate together - in silence.

My little boys love bubbles and stickers and puppets.  But now those things triggered memories of children who had never seen those things and when the Americans left, would likely not see them again until another group returned.

My kids go to the doctor for simple things like ear infections and yearly check ups.  I spent time with many children with easily correctable medical conditions that will spend their lives labeled and institutionalized.  There is no one advocating for their medical care.

You get the picture now, I'm sure.

For years now, our family has supported orphan care organizations and contributed to adoption funds of several families.  We had considered adoption, but various factors always added up to it not being the right time.

Personally, I didn't know if adoption would ever be written into our family's story.  And I had come to a point of complete peace with that.  If my husband did not want to adopt, then I knew it was not for us.  I shut my mouth and prayed that God would show me where I would fit in to this puzzle.

I am sure you can imagine my surprise when exactly one week into his new job, my man came to me and said, " I really think we should move forward with adopting."

Allrightythen.

Have you ever wanted something so badly for so long and when you finally have the opportunity to get it you question if you really want it?  Yup, that was me.

After about a week of heavy discussion and constant prayer, we filled out the application to adopt a child from China.

That was March 18th.

Last night was a big milestone in the process.  After months of paper chasing background checks, birth certificates, marriage certificates, writing 20 page autobiographies, and visiting doctors to sign off on our health status and our children's as well, our social worker came to do our official home visit.

After two and a half hours of individual and group interviews, she promised us our precious home study report within the next week or so and with that in hand, we will be moving forward toward our ....

daughter.

We are all so very excited to start on this journey.  We hope you will join us with your prayers and support.  We hope that by this time next year we will be settled home as a family of seven.

I know, the poor girl will never go on a date with four big brothers and a dad - all with weapons.

More to come soon.  And, needless to say, I'm taking suggestions for new blog names. 

dear 22 year-old self

Dear 22 year-old Self,

Remember that guy that your roommate suggested you should date and you responded that he was a little nerdy for your taste?  Well, that guy man will be your husband soon.

After knowing him for 15 years and being married to him for 14 of those years, I'd like to give you some advice and wisdom I've gathered.

First of all, NERDY IS GOOD!!!  Remember the "cool" guys that flattered you with a glance or a short conversation during your high school and college years?  Yeah, those guys, you know which ones.  They flattered you because clearly they thought more of themselves than of others - namely you. 

Those guys are not the ones who will ask permission for a first kiss or bring you a rose as a public declaration of his pursuit of you.

You thought getting along with your parents was tough?  You, my sweet young lady, are about to enter into the toughest relationship of your life.  But being difficult does not mean it is without rewards.

It is also the most rewarding and fulfilling relationship you'll have with another human being.

First of all, when he proposes, just say YES!  Don't stumble over your words and tell him to shut up.  Sure, it makes a good story later, but give the guy a break.

You'll do great with the wedding plans, but get a better photographer.  The dress will (quickly) go out of fashion, the flowers wither, but the photos will be looked at by your children's children.

Yup, there will be children.  I'll get to that part, be patient.

Read this and this before the wedding.  Then read the first one again because it is just that important.

The first couple of years of marriage are going to be a roller coaster.  The poor guy did not have any sisters and thank God he never lived with any women but his mother.  (No, falling asleep on your couch in college does not count.  Even if he did wake up the next day.)

Take all the ups and downs less personally.  Don't get upset during the first year when he wants his own space in your bed so that he can actually sleep.  He was used to sleeping by himself, it's not personal.

Define some limits about what neither of you will ever say during arguments or within your marriage at all.  It will cause less pain to decide that at the front end of the relationship rather than learning it the hard way.  Learning the hard way sucked.

Prepare yourself to move around the country a bit.  The man you're about to marry is wired for success.  He gets bored when he masters one thing, so get ready to change and adapt.  He might even decide to move your family across the country without discussing it with you first.  He'll only do that once though, so go with it. 

Those qualities make him a wonderful provider though and when it is your time to quit your paying job and raise those little ones, you can trust that he will take care of you all financially.

Never lose sight of taking care of him first and foremost.

I will let you in on a little secret.  Your husband's love languages are "quality time" and "words of affirmation."  Prioritize those and love him well.

You are NOT his Holy Spirit.  Talk less.  Pray more.  Seek God.  Wait on God.  God will work on your husband.

When those promised children come along, you can study all the books and parenting programs that you want, but it is still a learn-as-you-go-with-each-individual-child process.  Be flexible because kids are not a "one size fits all" rule.  Even though they are all boys.

Yup, boys.  All of them.  When you least expect it, there might be a little estrogen in the mix.  Just wait.

Regardless of the curve balls parenting will throw at you, you must keep your marriage as the top priority.   When other women stand in disbelief at the number of days he spends hunting, you just kiss him good bye, tell him to bring home a lot of meat for the freezer, and remind him that there will be good reasons to come home.  Wink wink.

Speaking of staying home, SERVE.  Serve your family with a thankful heart.  I'm sure I will be writing a letter to the 36 year-old Self in another 14 years that talks about cherishing the time you have before they all grow up and move out.  So when you're 29 and in the thick of little ones needing you all.the.time. and a husband who (thank God) wants quality time with you, die to that selfish desire to get in your car and drive to TJMaxx away for that coveted "me time."

During particularly stressful times, your man will convert his stress to conflict.  Again, this isn't anything personal.  He carries the weight of a large family and drive for success on his shoulders.  Job change or financial stress can cause him to act like a jerk.  I am writing to remind you that you are no gem when you're PMS-ing, sleep deprived, or in labor (to mention just a few of many examples), so give grace as you would like to receive grace.

When he acts like a jerk, don't EVER complain to or confide in anyone who doesn't already love him and think the best of him.  It will be so important to have women in your life who will tell you that, "Yes, he is acting like a jerk.  He is a wonderful man (and here is why), now go home and treat him well."

You will be shocked as marriages around you dissolve into divorce.  You will be wise to have a very real conversation with that man of yours about protecting your relationship, because clearly, no one is safe from that danger.

And after 14 years of marriage, he will still:

• kiss you first (then the kids) when he walks in the door from work.
• kiss you randomly and with passion when he walks through a room you're in (to the point that your older kids will tell you to get a room).
• want to spend time with you and will weigh his attendance of social activities with missing out on hanging out with you.
• laugh at your jokes and sarcasm.
• be interested in your writing pursuits and read each one several times.
• compliment your outfits, even when you're feeling pretty ordinary.
• care about and invest in what you want out of life.
• periodically ask for feedback as to how he can be a better husband to you.

Cherish that my dear.  Work like mad to be the best wife you can be and then take each day and enjoy it!

Because 14 years goes quickly.  Your parents are right on that one and so am I.

Love, Your 36 year-old Self

the glass blower

Last year on this day, I told our love story.

Another year has flown by and today my beloved and I are thankful for 12 years of "us."

After getting married young and having a couple of rocky years at the beginning, we entered several years of growing and learning and trying and failing and trying and succeeding and finding our rhythm.

What I realized today, is that we have really entered a great season. It is definitely not without stress, conflict, or situations that highlight our differences.

But it is steady, strong, and full of grace for each other.

Over these years we have both learned a lot and changed for the better. That change has come with a lot of humility and hard work and the desire to always make our marriage better.

And all that change came through various avenues.

Through marriage counselors,
and books
and retreats
and sermons
and good friends who kicked our butts encouraged us to die to our selves.

Through this process, we have both softened. We've removed our heels from the issues that they were digging and dragging in and really worked hard to love each other in the way the other person would hear and feel our love coming through.

Not the way we ourselves would necessarily "hear" love.

It's been a long, hard process for me personally (can't speak for my beloved) because I am such a selfish person who likes to be "all about me."

I mean, it is all about me, isn't it?

But I've learned that a marriage this great takes every day self sacrifice and purposeful care and grace.

Tonight, my beloved sleeps in a bed in a hotel hundreds of miles away from me. We are delaying our anniversary celebration for the weekend, but he sent me a very heartfelt email tonight.

I won't share all the good stuff, but I thought he worded quite well where we are at after a dozen years:

The best way I can describe it is that we “fit together.” Not in the way a puzzle piece joins seamlessly with another, however more like two pieces of glass that have similar jagged edges and then are melded into one piece with heat and time by the glass blower to make a single piece that, while retaining some of it’s individual, original color and characteristics, has no distinguishable seam.

That is, a single piece of glass that has been tested and worked by the glass maker to create a piece that works together while looking different from most, if not all the other pieces of glass in the world.

I love you Kenyon. You are my Alpha and Omega on this earth.

one man shy

It's 10:27 on Sunday night and I was hoping my man would surprise me by walking in the door from his four days (so far) out in the woods on a big muzzleloader hunt.

I don't think it will happen tonight.

Last year was a big year. Remember this? It's hard to beat a year like he had last year.

I'm hoping that all his hard work will pay off tomorrow and he will come home to me.

I'm lonely!

Don't get me wrong, the boys and I have stayed VERY busy since he left on Wednesday, but we're missing our leader of the testosterone army.

The water heater stopped making hot water and we settled for cold for over 24 hours until super-wife I took action and got it fixed (for a really good price).

We've had four soccer games, two play dates and I even had my monthly girls night. We went to church this morning and my next door neighbors even took my two older boys to the circus this evening.

We've had a full schedule.

But I'm lonely and I miss my man! Come home my great white hunter!

a lesson for hubbys

I thought this was hilarious considering my birthday is this week and my husband is going hunting again on Friday.

out with the old

I love having a husband who buys me things he himself enjoys owning. So I must announce:

PINK IS OUT:

RED IS IN:

Soon I'll be able to get all my blog comments right to my phone!

I feel so techno.

LOVE is a verb

Today My Man and I celebrated our ELEVENTH wedding anniversary. I am lucky to call my husband my best friend and my soul mate. There is no one I'd rather be with than him and I can confidently say that he feels the same way about me.

We met just over 13 years ago at our little college in an Indiana cornfield. We were both Communication Studies majors (what can you do with that degree?) and had many of the same classes together. We had different groups of friends, but our paths crossed enough that I would call us acquaintances. We were heading into the home stretch of our senior year, looking graduation in the face and he called me one Friday night in January and said, "I'm going to a movie, do you want to come?" Hmmmm... what was I to infer from this question? Was this a date? Was there a group of people going? If I didn't go, was he still going to the movie? I accepted and the 25 minute ride to the theater was spent getting past our surface knowledge of each other. Kenyon immediately asked probing and personal questions about my family and spiritual journey. Looking back, one might have thought a job interview was in process (the high ranking job of his wife was not to be filled by any lesser woman!), but we had easy and interesting conversation. After scaring the crap out of me at the dollar theater seeing "Seven" (sidenote: scary movie.. first date... couldn't hold hands or grab an arm... how awkward is that???), we went out for 50 cent ice cream and he was a complete gentleman and paid for the entire date!

And then he didn't call me for two whole weeks.

I thought it was just a casual night out. I thought since were seniors, he wasn't looking for a serious relationship or any relationship at all. I thought he just wanted company to go see a movie. I pretty much didn't think any more about it.

But after two weeks of casual encounters at classes on campus, he called again and asked me to go to dinner in Indianapolis. I accepted, thinking that even if nothing became of it, I enjoyed my time with him and hey, no one has ever known me to turn down a dinner out! Halfway into the hour-long drive, he tells me we are having dinner with two of his best friends from home who go to a neighboring college. No big deal, he's just known them since he was five and they know his family and have met every girl he's ever dated. No sweat.

When I got the thumbs up from them, I actually got follow up phone calls and actions that I would consider dating interest. Fast forward a couple of MONTHS and I was politely asked for a kiss... yummy.

I remember the day our relationship went public. We were weeks away from graduation and I was standing with several friends in the lobby of our communications building among A LOT of other peers and here comes Kenyon through the crowd with one red rose - for me. Man has guts... check. Man knows romance... check. My cheeks were red, but my heart was won. Needless to say, I think from that point on we spent every possible moment with each other before graduation.

We took our diplomas and went our separate ways. We had only been dating for about 5 months (I'm including the two weeks he didn't call me), so I went back to a job in the Chicago area where my family lived and his first job was in Buffalo, NY. I'm sorry, did I hear that distance makes the heart grow fonder, or the phone bills grow bigger (days before cell phones and email), or the plane tickets more frequent? Yes. Yes to all of the above.

Fast forward nine months and I was surprised with a gorgeous princess cut diamond surrounded with sapphires, set in platinum. Surprised is a bit of an understatement - I thought he was kidding and told him to "shut up" (until he whipped out the BLING). I hugged him and cried a little bit - translation - yes!!!

Funny side note, while I was on the plane coming to Buffalo, Kenyon called my mom and dad (separately, they're divorced) for their blessing. My mom was gracious and asked at the end if Kenyon had called my dad yet. When he told her that Bob was next on his list, she said, "good luck." Uh-oh. My poor dad didn't see it coming. He thought Kenyon was calling to check on my flight. When the real purpose of the call came out, my dad told Kenyon that he thought I was too young, that we hadn't known each other very long, that I probably didn't know what I really wanted out of life, he wasn't sure I'd say yes, "but you can ask."

Can you imagine how he was sweating through his proposal? He actually turned off the phones at his apartment when I arrived so my dad couldn't call me and talk me out of it!!

We had a short engagement and we had a beautiful wedding exactly one year after we graduated from college. Since then, we have lived in six dwellings (two apartments, four houses), three different states two different time zones. We've had six different dogs (not all at once), one cat, four awesome boys and a partridge in a pear tree. Here are a few snapshots.

Below is a picture from our honeymoon in Naples, Florida.

Here we are in our very first apartment in Buffalo, New York. We'd been married a couple of months... we look experienced, don't we???

Here we are 11 years later. We got away Friday night to Stein Erikson Lodge for a five star meal and sleep romance. Thanks to our friends Albert and Jessalyn for staying overnight with our rowdy crew!