focus on the good, not the sucky

It is 9:09 p.m.  I have five kids upstairs in bed and asleep.  The kitchen is minimally cleaned up, but I still have to make three of the four lunches for school tomorrow because Sauce decided to make his own tonight (he also put away his clean laundry without being asked - who is that kid???).

It feels like 11:45 p.m.

I ran into a friend at the park today (on account of the rare warm spell) who joked with me that she is stalking my blog for an update.

There is such a mixed bag of what goes on each day, and it is against my nature not to share both.  So, I'll start with the sucky, and because we are all focusing on the good, I will end with that.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Sucky:

• I had to get out of bed ten times last night.  Maybe more.  She wakes up scared to death - anywhere between two and ten times each night.
• Sleep apnea might be contributing to her night troubles and we're investigating that medically.
• I had to work hard to muster a smile for anyone this morning and there was more than one tear.
• Squirt's adjustment has manifested in fear of bad guys and often being sad when I drop him off at school.
• I am ready to fire the housekeeper.  Wait, I don't have one.  I cannot keep my house clean for the life of me - even to my sadly low standards.
• My new state of family-cocoon works to prevent me from seeing friends socially.  I saw a couple of preschool parents by chance at the park this morning as I was trying to exhaust my daughter enough to submit to a long(er) nap (failed by the way).  I realized that this has to be the new normal for now.
• I don't answer a lot of phone calls or initiate them either.
• For now, I can't handle more than finding my balance in my new normal.

Good:

• Our boys ADORE their sister.  They have been the loft to my balloon when I'm discouraged.  Even when she is rotten to them, they are nothing but devoted to her.
• She goes to bed without protest and has adapted to a bedtime routine beautifully.
• We are still getting meals from loving friends (we've been home since 3/29).  I have already announced to all dependent parties that I have forgotten how to cook.
• Every day I take tags off of new items of clothing for Joya.  And I haven't purchased a thing on my own dime.
• She lets me put "pretties" in her hair and we admire my work together.
• Through our pre-bedtime rocking chair time, she has learned where her nose, ears, eyes, hair, mouth, and fingers are.  We work on more each night.
• She understands everything we say in English.  I'm sure she's going to start spouting out sentences when we least expect it.
• Normally not ticklish or physically playful, today I got some full blown belly laughs when I gobbled on her armpits during a diaper change.  And she wanted more.  Smile.
• Despite my Beloved's busy travel schedule, I have been able to keep up with the Taxi-Mom demands of the boys' schedules.
• I take great joy in my boys' enjoying their interests.  We have spring soccer going on and The Hunter and my man both read The H^nger Game$ series together (I read them last year).  I know there is controversy surrounding exposing kids to this series, but for this boy it was a great opportunity to connect and talk about big life topics and I'm glad we encouraged him.
• I have great adoptive moms in my life who only need a one-sentence text from me before they call to encourage me through the tough stuff.  No offense, but now I know you have to go through it to understand.
• Last weekend I was able to go to Denver to the "Empowered to Connect" conference based on the book "The Connected Child" and the work of Dr. Karyn Purvis, PhD. and Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development.  I learned more about investing in my home-grown kids than I ever imagined and came home encouraged and ready to start fresh.  Plus I slept without interruption for TWO nights while I was away.
• My neighbor brought me a beautiful potted orchid yesterday and wasn't offended in the least when I had to cut our visit short to put my tired girl down for her too-short nap.
• One of my very best friends here knows I'm sleep deprived and struggling to ride the waves of this new journey.  Each morning she texts me an encouragement from scripture and asks how she can pray for me and if she can help me by doing a grocery run or other tangible task.  Did I mention that she has six kids of her own???  I am one lucky lady.
• I could go on with the good, but I will end with the fact that this "trial" which is really such joy mixed with adjustment, has enriched my marriage to a wonderful new level.  My Beloved has been transformed by the emotion/struggle/joy/fullness of our experience.  He is more tender and passionate about all of us.  He is quick to find humor as well as flexible to our unpredictable needs despite the demands on him to provide financially for this family of seven.  Next month we will celebrate 15 years of marriage.  He is the rock that keeps us all centered and I simply adore him.

bullets

• We inherited an outdoor cat to solve our mouse problems from some friends who moved away.  Our outdoor cat has suddenly become an indoor-sleep-on-Rufus's-bed-22-hours-of-the-day-until-I-put-her-out cat.  My husband likes We like her though. 
• I've decided that my favorite daytime listening Pandora station is "70's easy listening" - there is rarely a song I don't love.  I know, I should work in a doctor's office.
• I'm seeing my sweet Squirt blossom at four and a half years old.  I agonized over the thought of him going to Kindergarten this fall, but now I think he's really ready.
• Two weeks ago a dear friend and I set up a "let's meet for dinner come hell or high water" night.  That night was last night.  It was blissful.  We ate lots of food including fried green tomatoes.  We talked and talked and laughed until the restaurant closed and then we walked to my car, I drove her to her car, and we talked for another 30+ minutes.  I left with a smile on my face.  It was a treat.
• Fifth grade homework sucks.  I hate that projects become MY work and I wind up caring more about his responsibilities than he does.  Then again, I thought that midnight feedings sucked until I was on my third and fourth child and then they were easy.  So maybe fifth grade will be like that.  Or maybe not.
• I hate the school science fair.  Please refer to my previous bullet.
• My kids are so hungry when they come home from school.  Today I have dinner prepared for them at 3:30 so we can eat for real and then a snack later.  I'll report back with how that works.
• One of my older children still wets the bed at night and I've gotten my hands on a "potty pager" to try to train the stubborn child out of the habit.  Last night was the dry run, except it wasn't dry, it was wet, more than once, and he hates wearing it.  I hate pee, so there.
• The first part of January was spent painting Mrs. Nesbit's room, and since we've lived in this house six and a half years and I've been looking at dingy not-so-white walls and ugly light fixtures in my bedroom, I just decided to push on through and paint that room too (which happens to be a rather large bedroom).  Ceiling, trim, walls, outlets, light switches, and light fixtures are all new now.  I was an aching, messy, paint covered, non-showering woman on a mission for an entire week, but it is done and I love it!  Now we are drooling over the thought of new carpet, and I hate to drool.
• Because I know you're wondering, our adoption paperwork is in the final stages and we look on track to leave for China on March 14th.  My waves of anxiety have started regarding our/her transition and I'm clinging to the proven fact that God works good through the hard stuff in life.  Not that I wish it to be hard, but I want more of God for sure, so pretty much I can't lose, right?
• The ski season has been a total BUST so far and I am actually praying for several big, powdery snow storms to crush our little town so that I can frolic on the slopes sufficiently before I bring a precious two year-old home from China.  Have you ever known me to pray for snow?  It's bad, people.

jack of all trades

And a master of none.

That is going to be the most recent job title on my resume when I go back to work outside the home someday in the future.

In the past week I have:

• Attempted to refinish our living room furniture via sandpaper and stain.  I solicited vague instructions through texting a friend I wish could come do the project for me I could see more and just dove into it. 
  We hosted Bible study at our house last night an I'm hoping the compliments weren't fake lies blowing smoke up my you-know-what anything but genuine.  I think it will make an improvement to our out of date living room at the very least.
• Prepared meals, cleaned up messes, taught school and shuttled kids to activities.
• Refused to accept lower than usual water pressure in our home and after a few days called the local water company to come check on our pipes. 
  After checking the meter at the street, they generously came down to our basement utility room and pointed deep into our disgusting crawl space to our "PRV" or pressure regulating valve. 
  Now, when we first moved in four years ago, I made a public declaration told my Beloved that I would N.E.V.E.R. be venturing into the dark, dirt filled crawl space for any reason under the sun.  Yet, somehow I still found myself crouching down in the dirt praying that dead people wouldn't pop up from the ground with various plumbing tools in one hand and a flashlight in the other to seek out the above-mentioned PRV and remedy our water pressure problem.
  The water guys asked, "Are you the mechanic in the family?"  I looked at my Beloved and laughed as I replied, "We don't have a mechanic in the family!"
• Prepared meals, cleaned up messes, taught school and shuttled kids to activities.
• Endured negotiations with Honda an un-named van manufacturer to get my SECOND new transmission installed under warranty after the first new one we paid $3600 for a mere three months ago started malfunctioning.
• Prepared meals, cleaned up messes, taught school and shuttled kids to activities.
• Fell behind on my "Mountain of Laundry Saturday Madness" when I took some time to chill with these girls.  It fills me up to connect with these women - and I came home feeling like I had done 1000 sit ups because my gut was sore from laughing so hard.  She may seem all sweet and innocent, but Ashley is the queen of sarcasm and one-liners.  OK, they all are just hilarious and I love them. 
  Beyond humor, they are full of wisdom and encourage me to be a better mother, wife, and friend.  They challenge me and inspire me and I wouldn't be the woman I am without them.
• Prepared meals, cleaned up messes, taught school and shuttled kids to activities.
• Endured and gritted my teeth when my Beloved's decision to get all the kids' ski gear out of the basement closets and set up for this season turned into pulling every blasted thing out of each closet, cabinet, and crevice of storage in the basement for "pruning."  Suddenly there was a pile as tall as me and just as wide of, "things to make decisions on." 
  I have no problem clearing out junk and giving away things we don't need, but when he holds up my junior high school yearbook and says, "Do you ever look at this?" I tend to object because although I may not take it out and admire my zitty brace-face, my grandchildren might want to.
  Don't erase my existence, man.
  An answer wasn't necessary when he suggested we put the bouncy seat in the give away pile.  The look on my face made him find a place for it in the back of the storage closet.
• Prepared meals, cleaned up messes, taught school and shuttled kids to activities.
• Realized that my stand alone freezer in the garage was not keeping our antelope meat completely frozen.  I procrastinated as much as I could, but then I got the appliance repair service out here to fix it so we didn't waste all that food.

These are just a few things off the top of my head, but I think I'm not alone in feeling like it is a daily challenge to keep all my plates spinning.

Simply keeping the house from looking like a tornado hit it, and making meals and cleaning up the aftermath, as well as getting the kids where they need to go is a lot.  But adding extra projects like furniture staining and water pressure repairs can really throw the balance off.

And imbalance is hard to manage.

Multi-tasking becomes a stay-at-home mom's middle FIRST name.  My days are so full and any extra request for my time, effort, or attention can sometimes be overwhelming.

I wind up feeling like I'm not really good at any one thing.

Can anyone relate?

yearning to be

I treated myself to a Christmas present from me this year.  Now when I look at this chore:

I look beyond (do you see it?) the dirty dishes and see this:

I need a reminder.  The messes get overwhelming and the noise gets annoying.  I get embarrassed when guests arrive and my house isn't picture perfect (or.even.close).  I get self-conscious when I see other homes where friends seem to have it "all together."

In 2009 and beyond I want to be reminded to stay focused on my priorities.

I want to be the wife:
who remembers that marriage comes before mothering.
who is a refuge at the end of my husband's tough day.  
who knows what household items are important to my husband and gets them done.
who supports my husband's down time and expresses my appreciation for his hard work and provision for our family.

I want to be the mom:
that remembers that my son's heart is more important than
my inconvenience.
that chooses playing and reading over mopping and vacuuming.
that encourages fort making.
that remembers the days are long but the years are short.
that recognizes the difference between childishness and foolishness.
that leaves a legacy that points to Jesus Christ as Lord, creator
and sustainer.
that teaches her sons independence and when it is time, lets go.
that has sons who know beyond all else that their mom loves them.

I want to be the friend:
that is genuine - what you see is what you get.
who helps another friend without being asked.
who keeps a secret without doubt.
who can be trusted not to gossip.
that is loyal through tough times.
who accepts differences without judgement.
who invites a visitor in without excuses for the state of my home.

I want to be the child of God:
that loves others even when the emotions aren't there.
that serves out of pure gratitude for the price Christ paid for me.
that savors His word each day.
who is not ashamed of my faith and the journey that led me to Him.

I want to remember that life is messy.  The journey doesn't always look pretty, but we get only one journey.

And I want the happy memories!

I'm it

I've been tagged by Natalie in the game of "Eight things about me." Natalie is the sister of my dear friend Erin. Erin just lives across town from me and is too technologically defunct to have a blog. In fact, I'm editing this post to add that she just called me to ask how to change the page layout on a Word document. Oh mercy!

Heck, we just convinced her to get a cell phone in the last few months!

So, Natalie and I have become bloggy friends and when she comes across the state line to see her sis, I try to get in on the fun. She is an amazing writer - sarcastic and hilarious - just my style.

Anyhoo, here are the rules:
1. Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their name.
4. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged and to read your blog.

Eight Things About Me:

1. At 5'3", I am by far the shortest person in my family. My "little" brother is 6'2" and my mom and sister are three and five inches taller than me. I was ALWAYS the shortest kid in my class growing up and my mom tried to make me feel special by calling me "petite."

2. When I was in junior high, Wham was my favorite band, cuz baby you could take me to hell and back just as long as we're together, and you doooooooooo, baby!.... sorry, I got carried away for a moment. My cool mom came up with some concert tickets for nosebleed seats and took my sister and me and maybe a friend or two to the concert. It was an outdoor venue and raining that night, my mom happened to ask at the ticket booth if there were any seats available under the pavilion. Yeah baby, FRONT ROW. I touched George Michael's foot. Yeah I did. Really, I did.

3. I love to dance. Coincidentally, I chose a university that does not allow dancing. During my freshman year, my girlfriends and I snuck out many times to a local bar dance club. There was an upper level dance floor and one night we were groovin' away with it all to ourselves. The DJ stopped the music and yelled out, "Hey you up there on top!" We thought we were so cool and used that quote many times for the next 3+ years to get each other's attention across campus.

4. Aside from any potty accidents, I wash, dry, iron, fold and put away all of our family's laundry every Saturday. I fit it all into one day because I like that I can be done with a chore and not think about it for an entire week, unlike chores like DISHES, which are always there. A little quirk, I rotate all our clothes, particularly socks and underwear. I take out the clothes in the drawer to put the clean stuff away and the unworn clothes go on top so they will be worn before the ones I just washed. I'm really not OCD in any other area but this. If you saw my minivan, you'd know I'm not lying.

5. I had a little spending problem in college and ran up a bit of a credit card debt that I maintained by managing to pay the minimum payment. One of the things my financially responsible fiance' asked of me was to pay off my debt before we got married. Three months before the wedding, he found out that I hadn't made much progress. He threatened to cancel the wedding. If you know him, you know he was serious. I hopped to it for my man and when we got back from our honeymoon, I received the last statement with a $75 balance. Good choice Laurie.

6. I have little to no fashion sense. I depend on my college roommates Amanda and Carrie and our annual spending sprees girls' weekends for them to get me out of my "mom jeans" (which aren't as bad as SNL mom jeans, I promise). My style is finding something I like and buying it in several colors. Hmmm, come to think of it, that's my hubby's style as well.

7. I have a secret love for Chef Boyardee (ok Ash, I know it's not secret to you). Any cold, dreary afternoon gives me the craving to open a can of Spagettios or Ravioli. Unfortunately, I don't buy OR eat it very often anymore thanks to my organic-hyper-nutritious-brainwashing friends (ahem, Ashley and Erin) who have convinced me that there is a reason WHY eating it makes me feel like CRAP.

8. I like to watch behavior rehabilitation shows like "Supernanny," "Intervention," and "It's Me or the Dog." Kenyon HATES these and wonders why in the world I would torture myself watching these shows full of people with ridiculous and often destructive behavior. I think I just like to see bad turned to good and common sense rule.

Done. I tag Mama Shoe, a newer bloggy friend of mine who is also a mom of four little boys.

older and wiser

My mom has always said that her 30's were her favorite time of her life so far.

Hitting 34 today, I'd have to agree.

Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to retiring with my husband someday, with my feet in the warm sand outside our beach house (wherever that may be), while we plan our next trip to see all our grandkids.

But life is pretty good right now. I feel like I have enough life experience under my belt that I have a little credibility, knowledge and wisdom - but I'm not OLD yet.

You have seen many photos of my adult years, so I have dug through the dustbunnies in the gloomy basement archives to find a few photos of me that chronicle my sassy self throughout my younger years.

I think this was my third birthday party. By the way, I have carpet very similar to that downstairs in my basement right now.

Yeah, I know... I was a cutie!

In the personality department, not much has changed - sassy enough that my grandpa often wanted to spank me, but cute and loveable enough that he never did!

In the spirit of my post for Kenyon's birthday, I though I'd write a list of 34 things that life has taught me over the years.

1. It's not about me. Thinking that the world revolves around me is a death-sentence to my attitude and relationships.

2. They were all right when they told me to cherish and savor my college years. The college years ROCKED! (Thanks Dad and Mom).

3. People will always let you down and will never fill that void in our souls. Only God fills that void and is completely dependable.

(this photo was pretty predictable photography of me as a kid - sticking my tongue out)

4. If you want a friend, be a friend.

5. If a friendship is not reciprocated, let it go.

6. "First loves" are painful, but an excellent learning experience.

7. Our parents are not perfect. Our childhoods were not perfect. But we only get one set of parents, so savor the good and let the bad go. Give the grace to your parents that you want given to you when your kids are grown.

8. When you are a younger sibling, you will always be in your older sibling(s) shadow in some way, shape or form. (note the next picture - I was in the newspaper, but they put my big sister's name instead of mine!)

9. Friendships are awesome, but siblings are there for life. Find common ground and make the effort to protect sibling relationships.

10. PMS sucks.

11. Men are different from women (hence the penis). Don't expect them to act like or understand women (especially during PMS).

12. Grades don't matter as much as teachers and parents say they do.

13. The piece of paper at the end of the grades matters.

14. Soak in the "big" days of your life. Graduation, marriage, births can not be "re-done" (ok, for the first time).

15. Really, the only thing you can't do over in life is raising your kids.

16. Work ethic is important to be gained early in life.

17. It is good to experience "being in need."

18. It is always nice to be given a gift, but geez it feels good to earn something all by yourself.

19. You can't always get what you want (or you think you want), so enjoy what you have and will yourself to contentment.

20. Hard work deserves a new purse splurge once in a while.

21. It's great to have "cultural experiences" by visiting other countries and living in different parts of our country.

22. Americans, in general, have no idea how good we have it.

23. Words can cause deep wounds that last a long time, possibly forever. Choose them carefully.

24. Losing your temper is never a good thing.

25. You are a mirror and your children will reflect your behavior and/or attitude at any given moment. They may even adopt those attributes as their own if they see them enough.

26. Be real. When people come to the door, let them in without excuses about the state of your home. It only makes your guests uncomfortable and brings attention to all the things you don't want them to notice (I know this but don't always practice it!).

(high school senior photo, yeah, I'm cool, I'm mature, I'm off to college!)

27. Always kiss loved ones goodbye.

28. Never miss an opportunity to tell loved ones how much you love them.

29. Make goals for the future. Even as you meet your life goals, always have things to work toward and look forward to.

30. Look at raising kids like your living eulogy. Act out what you want people (your children) to remember you by.

(I put this last photo in here because my love keeps it on his office wall next to his computer - it was at our wedding shower the day before our wedding - it screams, "marriage with me will be an adventure, so hold on tight!" and Holy California Blonde L'Oreal!)

31. What "the world" says isn't always the right way to do things.

32. Choose your spouse carefully. And when you've chosen, put your spouse above yourself and treat him/her how you want to be treated know he/she wants to be treated. Extend your spouse the grace you would like extended in return. The rewards are great.

33. Take chances once in a while, even if you fail, at least you tried.

34. You get one shot on this earth - so give it all you've got!

There - deep thoughts from an older, wiser woman!

Now go check out a sweet birthday present from my friend Jenny - a blog post about ME!!!

Thanks in advance for the birthday wishes.

I've Been Tagged

Natalie tagged me for a meme. Heck, I don't know what meme is, but it looks like fun and this is apparently how it works:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player tags 5 people and posts their name, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

The Questions and My Answers. . .
What I was doing 10 years ago?:
Ten years ago I was finishing up my first year of marriage. We were living in a little apartment in Buffalo, New York and I was working at a consumer products testing lab as an account manager. We had two dogs and walked them three miles every night after work. Our kitchen was purple, our house was tiny and we were learning how to be grown ups in the real world.

Five Snacks I enjoy:
In a perfect, non weight-gaining world. . .
1. Double stuff Oreos
2. Apple fritters from Dunkin Donuts
3. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts
4. Double thick vanilla milkshakes
5. Sugary candy

In the real world. . .
1. Popcorn with salt, no butter
2. Pirates Booty
3. Mini raw carrots
4. Graham crackers
5. Double stuff Oreos (sigh)

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Pay for kids college
2. Complete Big Canyon
3. Take care of our families
4. A large chunk to Children’s Hope Chest
5. Force my husband to retire and do something he loves

Five jobs that I have had:
1. Receptionist at a chiropractor’s office
2. Account manager at a consumer products testing lab
3. Inside sales rep at an IT consulting company
4. Pharmaceutical sales rep
5. Mom of four gentlemen-in-training (best and toughest job)

Three of my habits:
1. Reading to my boys everyday
2. Staying up too late
3. Arriving 10 minutes late to almost everything (sigh)

Five places I have lived:
1. Pearl River, NY
2. Barrington, IL
3. Upland, IN
4. Ft. Myers, FL
5. Park City, UT

Five People I Want to Get to Know Better:
(A nice way of saying TAG!) (Amy and Andrea, I wanted to pick you, but thought better of it until your blogs become habits!!)
1. Kate
2. LadyKong
3. Kristin
4. Jenny
5. Christa