goodbye fujian

It was a bittersweet day as we took our last walk in the beautiful park adjacent to our hotel. It feels sad to leave the place where Joya is from and has been all her life. A policeman came to the hotel to double check our adoption certificate and our passports so that he could hand over our daughter's Chinese passport and we could fly to Guangzhou to start our journey home.

Joya had a really good morning, but our travel through airports and a short plane ride were not fun at all. We also had a little scare when we had fast food in the airport for dinner. Her paperwork said that she was allergic to seafood, so we have, of course, completely avoided it. Well, the chicken we were eating must have been exposed to seafood offerings at the restaurant because as soon as she had a piece in her mouth (but never swallowed) her face immediately broke out in a rash.

Our guide had already checked us in and said goodbye. My Benadryl was in our checked luggage. In my head, I was urgently making a plan for a medical emergency without a translator. (Angie, if you're reading this, our experience in Mexico 15 years ago prepared me for this!). Luckily, soon after it was out of her mouth, the rash started getting better.

Crisis avoided.

She hated the travel, the airplane, and the overall change. She was so overtired when we finally got to our room that her Baba could not snuggle her out of her crying. I figured out that if I put the edge of her blanket by her mouth, she will suck it and pass out.

I feel like a dope for not doing it sooner because her foster sister mentioned something to me about her sucking on a towel at bedtime.

Slightly longer learning curve baby girl. So sorry!

I'm so tired, so even though there are many topics I want to write about, I simply can't do it tonight. So, I'm honoring the request for pictures (i need to get many more off the camera tomorrow) and hopefully I can transform bullet points in my brain into interesting reading for you over the next couple of days.

We love hearing from you all.

hearts that heal

Welcome to the three new readers here after Candis and Denise and Kathy took this spot viral on the book of face today. :-)

And for the rest of you, your emails and comments were just what I needed. I choked tears back through each one and I feel so dearly loved. I'm definitely writing a future post that compiles all of the wisdom and encouragement you gave. It would be valuable in any types of trials.

Unfortunately, I'm going to disappoint you with this short and sweet post that is more of a teaser than anything. It is 10:30 p.m. here and I'm the only one awake in our dark room. We had a very full day of shopping, eating, and a visit to the Love Without Boundaries True Children's Healing Home. Google them now and realize that adoption is not the primary way to make a difference in the life of an orphan.

I can't wait to tell you about our sweet, sweet time with a bunch of smiling babies and their dedicated caregivers.

We have been splurging the 15 RMB (about $2.50) each night to enjoy the two Heineken bottles of beer in our hotel mini bar. I wish someone restocked my fridge with beer at home as dependably as the staff does here. It has been our nice little tradition to toast making it through both the good and the hard and being one day closer to going HOME!!!

Joya had a really good day overall. She learned her first English word other than her cute "Hello!" greeting. Actually, she learned her second English word too, but you'll have to check back for those stories.

We decided over the course of this week that we love China and it doesn't fit any of the stereotypes that many Americans have about it. Well, okay, the driving is CRAZY, so that is true, but other than that one it is a wonderful country to visit and we would like to bring Joya and the boys here to experience it someday.

Tomorrow afternoon we will receive her Chinese passport and get on an evening flight to Guangzhou to start the process for her entry in the US. A week from now, we will be home as a family of seven.

And that sounds just right.

baby steps

We have had two great nights of sleep in a row – or I should say that Joya has because I am still waking up at 4:30 in the morning with nothing to do but stare at the walls or get on my iPad and read what you all have to say to me. She has been sleeping in her crib without a fuss, but I suppose it helps that she has fallen asleep on her Baba’s chest at dinner each night and not even made it into her jammies because Baba just laid her in her crib for the night.

Today was a really good day overall. I will admit that I’m feeling a bit down in the dumps about a combination of things. Joya had moments when she let me hold her or comfort her today, and overall, she is making bits of progress every day. But the afternoon was filled with wailing and grieving. We figured out that her red photo book that was such a comfort to her on her first full day with us, has become a trigger to her for remembering why she is with us and brings long periods of sobbing and crying for her Mama. We have changed how we refer to me as “Mommy” so that she doesn’t feel we are replacing her sweet Mama who did such a good job loving her.

The other thing bringing me down is the state of my boys’ behavior at home. I was hoping that they would rise to the occasion and really shine while we are gone, but that does not seem to be the case and each time we have talked to them on the computer, there is chaos, arguing, and stories of disobedience – tonight I just walked away from our conversation with them because I couldn’t do anything about what is happening at home. We all just have to suck it up and plan on recalibrating when we are home next week. I know this trip is hard on them as well, but I am just ready to have all my chicks in one nest.

This morning we had breakfast here at the hotel buffet with our new Nashville friends Jill and Scott and their new daughter Hannah. My impression is that Hannah is having an even rougher time than Joya and Jill is the one carrying the weight of the slow transition. We have been sharing our struggles over the last few days and gaining comfort from each other’s encouragement. The first time my feelings were hurt over Joya’s rejection of me was not a time when she drew close to Kenyon, but when Jill walked in our room and Joya went running to her and cried to be picked up. That was hard. She prefers a woman who is a complete stranger over me.

Jill was telling us this morning how she has rarely seen her husband cry over the course of their 16 years of marriage, and how he has been a complete rock through this tough time even when she has broken down and spilled her emotions through tears. However, this morning she heard him sobbing in the shower, and how it was such a relief to see him react emotionally to the tough task of helping Hannah accept their love.

The sweetest thing occurred when Scott added that he just couldn’t hold the tears back anymore because this interesting mix of emotions is like nothing he has ever experienced – he and Kenyon started tearing up together right there at the breakfast table. The best they could do was nod in agreement with each other while Jill and I felt our mouths hit the floor watching that unfold. It was a very sweet moment.

I sure do love my man.

Tracy picked us up at 9 and we took a taxi to a very beautiful and famous Buddhist temple. The weather was beautiful, and although we are wearing coats in the pictures, it really isn’t cold here. We spent the morning touring the temple where there are several enormous halls with Buddhist gods sculpted and put on display. The grounds of the complex were immaculate. It is in the middle of the city, yet it is quiet and peaceful and smells of incense. There are huge fish and turtles in the ponds and we all enjoyed watching them. Joya only wanted Kenyon for the majority of the time, but his back started to really hurt him, so I bribed her with snacks and got her to sit on my hip in my sling for about 30 minutes.

We left the temple and went to a local (hole in the wall) dumpling restaurant. Now, the way to eat Chinese food in China is to have a Chinese person order for you. Our lunch was DELICIOUS!!! We had two different types of dumplings and two vegetable dishes and Joya had congee. Tracy showed us how to use all the sauces and tutored Kenyon on his chopstick skills. It was definitely our favorite meal yet. Kenyon said it topped the Pizza Hut meal we had the night before :-)

Each Chinese province is famous for one thing in particular, and Fujian is known for tea. Tracy took us to a traditional tea room to enjoy a tea ceremony where we could taste different types of teas. Rich with tradition and ritual, the ceremony was wonderful. We learned how to hold the small teacup and how to sip each kind of tea uniquely. Our little parrot was so well behaved throughout the entire demonstration and when she got a sip of tea, she would make the noise that she heard us make while drinking it. She also said an unsolicited Mandarin “Thank you” to our tea hostess, which impressed us all.

After our tea tasting and purchasing, we went back to the hotel with good intentions for naptime, but it really turned into a couple hours of crying before she went to sleep.

After her nap on Baba’s chest, we went for a walk in the park with Jill and Scott and then out to dinner where Joya ate and ate and ate and then turned toward Baba and decidedly checked out into a near slumber.

I know you are all going to encourage me to hang in there and that you are praying for her to love me. Don’t worry, I know she will. I know this time is necessary to detach from her past and attach to her future, and I am prepared for that. I still adore her just like I adore my boys even though they are being knuckleheads at home right now. The messiness of it all is just an uncomfortable place to be.

Tracy told us that Joya’s foster sister has called her twice since Sunday’s hand off meeting to check whether Joya is doing okay. That level of concern and care just continues to impress us and clarifies what a treasure she was and still is to them. I can’t even imagine their pain tonight.

Here are some of our best photos from our day in no particular order because blogging on the iPad sucks.

waves

I've watched people grieve and I know it comes in waves. Today we are riding a big wave with our poor girl. She had a very full night sleep but has been dragging and sad all day. Her crying comes on very suddenly and when it does, she walks to the door and cries for Mama and says the Mandarin equivalent of, "I don't want this!"

We are sad for her and even Baba can't console her out of this. We just have to ride it until she gets it all out.

This morning we went to Panda World with Tracy, which is an underwhelming run down zoo for Pandas and a couple other types of Asian bears. Nevertheless, it was nice to get out of the hotel. We also planned our next couple of days' outings which include one of the orphan healing homes run by the organization "Love Without Boundaries," as well as touring a very famous Buddhist temple.

This is all to fill the time while we are waiting for Joya's passport to be processed in an expedited timeframe so we can fly to Guangzhou on Friday to get her US entry paperwork processed.

I forgot to mention that the orphanage director handed us keepsakes that are extremely rare for adoptive families to receive. She kept the blanket Joya was found in, the original note that her birth mother left with her, as well as the sweet little outfit she was wearing on that day. Tracy said that orphanages rarely keep clothing and blankets because of possible germs and that any notes are usually kept on file at the police station and sometimes adoptive parents may receive a photocopy. So, needless to say, we are so grateful.

We also found out who the older woman was that upset Joya so badly at the Civil Affairs office. She was the mother of the orphanage director, which sounds strange until you hear that she lives next door to Joya's foster grandmother and was in her life on a very frequent basis. Now it all makes sense. This woman was another grandmother to her. They all live in a rural town in the countryside where very few babies are abandoned, so it was a unique opportunity to care for her and why she didn't have to live in an orphanage for two years.

Again, we're so grateful.

Thanks again for all of your comments of love and support. We are reading each one several times and they make us feel connected to you even though we are so far away right now.

orphan no more

Our night was long with little “Lien Lien” as she was called by her loving foster family (pronounced like a Chinese person would say the American name “Leah”). She cried and cried and if her red photo book had inched out of reach, that would be what she wanted. We all got up and turned on the lights at about 1:30 a.m. and hung out and facebooked a bit.

We went to breakfast at the hotel and had a moment of shock when we didn’t see any American fare options. Luckily, we were mistaken because “Goat Lung Soup” did not sound like the eye opener we were looking for. Joya’s paperwork said that she liked the Chinese food “congee” (it is like a porridge) and that part was true, because when we served up a bowl of it for breakfast, she gobbled it down.

Our hotel has little water features in the lobby that have huge goldfish swimming in them and she was enthralled with the fish. After I showed her how to make fish lips, she started making them on her own when she walked up to the water. She also learned the sign for “more” today, and picked up more iPad skills. She can also blow her own nose into a tissue and wipe her face clean.

She is a genius for sure.

After breakfast, we traveled with our guide Tracy to the Civil Affairs Office to finalize our adoption. It was crowded with people speaking loudly into cell phones and was filled with cigarette smoke. We were lead into a small office where several of the officials from yesterday were shuffling our paperwork (orphanage director, civil officials, etc.). I noticed another familiar face from yesterday as well. A grandmotherly type woman who I thought was Joya’s foster grandmother was at the desk, but when she saw us walk in with her, she quickly tried to make it out of the small office without being noticed by Joya. On her way out she looked me in the eye and put her finger to her lips like a “shhhhh” motion.

Well, Joya saw her and immediately lost all control. She fought and kicked and screamed in Kenyon’s arms. She wanted to go out of the office and find that woman so badly that when Kenyon wouldn’t let her go, she slapped him in the face and spit in his general direction. She clearly had a connection to this old woman, but it turns out that we still don’t know who she was.

Tracy told us afterward that she asked if she was the grandmother yesterday, but the family had told her that she wasn’t. So we really don’t know who she was or why she was still here in the city.

That was really the turning point of our day that brought waves of emotion for Joya. She recovered for a while as we signed and stamped our promises to love, protect, educate, and care for her until she can do so for herself. She did okay as we quickly made a trip to the Walmart Super Center for diapers and miscellaneous snacks and supplies (i.e. Snickers and Pringles).

But as soon as we stepped back into the hotel room, she sobbed and cried for her Mama again. She repeats over and over the Mandarin statement, “I don’t want it.” and “I want to leave.” Thanks to our guide Tracy, we know what she means now. Kenyon is the ONLY one she wants and luckily is able to comfort her when she is upset. He started to worry today that I was feeling left out, but I am not at all offended. I am thrilled that she loves him and finds comfort in him. If I had raised a child for two years and then sent her off to someone else, I would hope she would pitch a fit and not replace me within 36 hours.

Joya fell asleep chest to chest snuggled up with her “Baba” for a 2.5 hour nap. When he tried to move her next to him after she was asleep, she sat up and crawled right back into position on top of him to finish her nap. It is totally precious, but a lot of work for my man, which I wish I could help him with.

Luckily, he is sold out for her.

After naptime, we put her in her Chicago Bears sweatshirt and went walking along the lakeside path across from our hotel. This city of six million people (think the size of NYC) is peaceful and very safe. We were stared at by anyone and everyone who passed us and some even stopped to talk to us or interact with our cute-as-pie daughter.

One man stopped us and pointed to her and said, “China girl?” We nodded and said, “Yes,” (well, Kenyon answered him, “Si” but then nearly fell over in embarrassment for answering in Spanish instead of Mandarin or even English). Joya was walking next to us on the sidewalk and this man took her hand and started to walk with her. After only a couple of steps, she let go and ran to Kenyon. She buried her face in his legs and said, “Baba” over and over again.

She is sold out for him too and we both melted in that moment.

There is another couple staying in the hotel room next to us who are adopting their two year old daughter through another agency. Since we have four more days here waiting for our daughters passports, we became fast friends. Tonight we all walked about two miles to partake of McDonald’s cheeseburgers and French fries….

Joya loved them, by the way. Welcome to America sweet girl.

She passed out in her daddy’s arms on the walk home and we didn’t bathe her or even change her before we laid her down in her crib, hopefully for the night.

I have said several times today, that I went into this trip expecting it to be hard. I expected it to feel like she and I had a long road of relationship building to do before I really felt like she was ours. I said that if it was anything less, I would just be pleasantly surprised.

I am VERY pleasantly surprised.

This girl was meant to be ours. I look at all the other Chinese babies around us in the park, and I can’t imagine having anyone else but her in our (well, Kenyon’s) arms. She is FULL of personality, smart, independent , and genuine (which anyone who knows me, knows that last one is huge for me). I don’t feel like we’re babysitting or like she is an intruder.

I feel like she fits. And we love her already. Enjoy the pictures.

smog, the great wall, and poverty

The only thing about blogging from my iPad is that pictures are going to be a bit tougher to put up because I can't just put my SD card into the slot and drag them over. So, I will get around to it, but not in the 30 minutes I have before having to meet in the lobby for dinner.

Today we played tourist. We rode a giant tour bus with 12 other families with our agency and went to see and "hike" The Great Wall, which unfortunately was quite crowded and have I mentioned the smog factor here? Worst pollution I have ever seen.

Our tour guide told us not to go too far on The Wall, lest we get too tired to come back. Well, if you know my husband, you know that means that we went farther and faster than anyone else in our group. We mentioned more than once that our friends Doug and Deb would have been in their element, which is why we love to refer to them as "The Billy Goats".

Pictures to come of The Sweeneys on the wall.

We went to lunch at a restaurant in the jade factory in Beijing. Jade is important to the Chinese people and our tour guide told us how parents pass down a certain type of jade bracelet from mom to daughter or daughter in-law from generation to generation. The longer the bracelet is worn, the richer the color of the jade becomes. The bracelets are carved from one solid piece of jade and are made in many different sizes.

Because I didn't want to be guessing if an item from a street vendor was authentic or not at a later time, I had my wrist fitted for a bracelet and will wear it for the next 20+ years before I pass it on to Joya on her wedding day. Apparently, the value increases as the colors darken.

It is a great example of how precious time is.

I have to rally for dinner. More to come soon.

Made it!

We are nestled in our Beijing hotel. The flight was LONG and the airport was uneventful.

Our Internet is being finicky and I can't see my blog and our VPN is kicking me off. Good thing my new friend Carrie will be at breakfast in the morning and her husband has been my tech support in preparing for this trip. I'm posting this through my iPad blogger app.

We already facetimed with my sister and said a quick hello to Squirt. I'm about to pop a little nighty-night pill so I can climb The Great Wall of China tomorrow.

Love to all!

take off

We are sitting on the plane in Seattle ready to take off for Beijing. We already met another family on the flight adopting thru the same agency. They are from Indiana and also have four boys and are adopting a two year old little girl. Fun surprise to get to know them. They approached me because my empty pink stroller was a dead giveaway :-).

Also, before we left, I contacted the awesome organization "Love Without Boundaries," which we sponsor a little girl through. I asked if we could tour one of their orphan healing homes in our daughter's province. Immediately before we took off from Salt Lake City I received an email that said they would be happy to give us a tour on Tuesday. I am thrilled to hear this as I see myself advocating for orphans for all my days.

I'm typing from my phone and they are telling me to shut it off.

See you on the other side.

solid plans

After the biggest whirlwind of travel planning, we have confirmed Joya's visa appointment on the 27th and scrapped our crappy flights to miraculously (not an exaggeration at.all.) have confirmed seats (sitting together) on sensible flights home on the 29th of March.

The process helped me double check where my trust lies, and I am thrilled we're coming home sooner than later.

Now for packing.....

This teaching segment from Beth Moore's study of the book of Esther has been put in full application throughout this adoption process, most notably here as we get closer to travel.  It is SO worth 14 minutes (it's not even video, just audio, so you can multi-task).  I have listened to it over and over during the last few weeks.

If ___________, then GOD.  Amen.

a day late and a dollar short

Wouldn't you know that our senator's office called today and said that we are now able to have the change to our US Consulate appointment that we wanted BEFORE we changed our return flights.

We gave up our good flights and really good seats for, um, not so good ones. I still requested the appointment change though and when we get firm confirmation of that, we will call the airlines and hope that availability has opened up there as well.

A wise woman experienced with adoption told me at the beginning of this process to strap on my seatbelt because this process is a roller coaster.

It sure is.

I'm holding on tight with plans to throw my hands in the air and scream on the way down!

quick update

Well, the US Embassy was unable to honor our request to change Joya's visa appointment. We changed our return flights to accommodate the appointment and unfortunately it will delay our homecoming by two days. We were able to keep the change fees relatively low, but it is going to be really tough to be gone so long.

What's done is done though. And we leave in 13 days.

reality

I owe an update to my brother and sister in-law because they rebel against don't have facebook accounts.

Reality is hitting me tonight that in 14 days I am leaving for a foreign land to embrace a two year old child that I've never met.  I will bring her home to the boys I have known from my womb and we will be a family.  She will be their sister, and they will be her brothers.  We will be her mom and dad.

Forever.

I am looking in the face of mothering five children, living in the busiest and most demanding season of my life.  I am looking in the face of 15 years of marriage.

But honestly, when I'm buying a bottle of wine, I really feel like the twenty-something who needs to whip out her ID to prove she is old enough to drink.

Why don't I get carded anymore?

We are scheduled to depart for China on March 14th.  All of the airline tickets are booked.  My sister, mom, and favorite aunt are all taking time off from their jobs (some of it even unpaid) and away from their commitments at home to come out west and keep our precious boys feeling at home while we are away for the longest duration since any one of my little men were born.

It has been an eventful few weeks.

We received official Travel Approval from the Chinese government to come and adopt our daughter.  And for that we are excited and grateful.

We asked our agency weeks ago for a "safe" projected date that we could count on to travel.  Our agency sends parents in groups to travel to China every two weeks.  So, if your paperwork doesn't meet requirements for one group, you join the next group.

We asked for a projection because we wanted to use our frequent flier miles that were painfully earned by my Beloved's many nights away from our family working like a crazy man.

Long story short, we booked our tickets based on safe recommendations and after our paperwork caught up with us, our daughter's visa appointment at the US Consulate wound up being scheduled one day too late for us to be able to make our flight home.  Without any frequent flier seats left, it leaves us having to pay thousands of dollars for new tickets.

When our agency was telling me that there was no possible way to change this Consulate appointment, I refused to take no for an answer.  I announced our problem on facebook and was encouraged to seek help from my senator.  I promptly went to his web page, then dialed the local office.  A wonderful grandmotherly type woman answered my call, and after hearing an abbreviated version of our problem, she told me that there were staff members who handle these issues and could she have my name and number for one of them to call me back.

The dam broke and all the stress turned into emotion.  I could barely choke out my name and phone number through my tears.  But I did.

My call was returned by a very helpful woman, who said that she was hopeful that she could help.  She gave me instructions for what information to send in an email to her...

... and then she finished the conversation by telling me that she and her husband had just completed their second adoption from China just six months ago.

Thanks God.  I needed that one.

So now we are waiting to see if we need new tickets or if all systems are a go for Operation Bring Nesbit Home.

Reality is setting in.  My mind is reeling with my packing list and the adventure ahead of us.  So when I'm done writing this post, I have to order my daughter some shoes and socks!

bullets

• We inherited an outdoor cat to solve our mouse problems from some friends who moved away.  Our outdoor cat has suddenly become an indoor-sleep-on-Rufus's-bed-22-hours-of-the-day-until-I-put-her-out cat.  My husband likes We like her though. 
• I've decided that my favorite daytime listening Pandora station is "70's easy listening" - there is rarely a song I don't love.  I know, I should work in a doctor's office.
• I'm seeing my sweet Squirt blossom at four and a half years old.  I agonized over the thought of him going to Kindergarten this fall, but now I think he's really ready.
• Two weeks ago a dear friend and I set up a "let's meet for dinner come hell or high water" night.  That night was last night.  It was blissful.  We ate lots of food including fried green tomatoes.  We talked and talked and laughed until the restaurant closed and then we walked to my car, I drove her to her car, and we talked for another 30+ minutes.  I left with a smile on my face.  It was a treat.
• Fifth grade homework sucks.  I hate that projects become MY work and I wind up caring more about his responsibilities than he does.  Then again, I thought that midnight feedings sucked until I was on my third and fourth child and then they were easy.  So maybe fifth grade will be like that.  Or maybe not.
• I hate the school science fair.  Please refer to my previous bullet.
• My kids are so hungry when they come home from school.  Today I have dinner prepared for them at 3:30 so we can eat for real and then a snack later.  I'll report back with how that works.
• One of my older children still wets the bed at night and I've gotten my hands on a "potty pager" to try to train the stubborn child out of the habit.  Last night was the dry run, except it wasn't dry, it was wet, more than once, and he hates wearing it.  I hate pee, so there.
• The first part of January was spent painting Mrs. Nesbit's room, and since we've lived in this house six and a half years and I've been looking at dingy not-so-white walls and ugly light fixtures in my bedroom, I just decided to push on through and paint that room too (which happens to be a rather large bedroom).  Ceiling, trim, walls, outlets, light switches, and light fixtures are all new now.  I was an aching, messy, paint covered, non-showering woman on a mission for an entire week, but it is done and I love it!  Now we are drooling over the thought of new carpet, and I hate to drool.
• Because I know you're wondering, our adoption paperwork is in the final stages and we look on track to leave for China on March 14th.  My waves of anxiety have started regarding our/her transition and I'm clinging to the proven fact that God works good through the hard stuff in life.  Not that I wish it to be hard, but I want more of God for sure, so pretty much I can't lose, right?
• The ski season has been a total BUST so far and I am actually praying for several big, powdery snow storms to crush our little town so that I can frolic on the slopes sufficiently before I bring a precious two year-old home from China.  Have you ever known me to pray for snow?  It's bad, people.

wondering

To the bravest woman I know:

This is a unique day in our paths, for I am certain that we are both wondering similar things today about the same special little girl that neither of us are able to be with.  Are you wondering what our sweet two year old girl looks like?  Are you wondering if she will get a party today or open any presents?

Are you sharing my questions about her care and if she knows that she is an orphan?  Do you have any suspicions about what her future holds?

Are you remembering the moment you realized that she could not be yours forever?  I wonder about you all the time.   I wonder if you knew her fate before you gave birth, or whether upon holding her in your arms your tears fell because her gender or medical needs forced you to give her up.

Are you picturing the day you wrapped her tiny body in a blanket, placed her in a paper box, tucked a note with her information beside her, and kissed her goodbye?  I'm wondering if you watched from afar as she was found on the doorstep you left her on.  Did you ever walk by the orphanage hoping to catch a glimpse of her?

I'm certain that you are wondering about me as well.  Was your written request for someone to adopt her fulfilled?  Where is she in the world?  Does she have siblings?  Medical care?  Parents that kiss and cuddle her?  A warm bed?  A limitless future?

Whatever the reasons were for leaving her that day, I wish you could know that I think you are brave and I am grateful that you gave her life.  Whatever the reasons were that prevented you from being her forever mommy, I wish you could know that you will never be forgotten.

Because, although we can't celebrate with her either today, we will be with her soon and plan to celebrate many, many birthdays with her.  We will tell her what we know and as she grows, give her the freedom and opportunities to learn all she can about her beginnings.

We will fulfill your request to adopt her and heal her and open the lid to her future so that she can make whatever she wants of it.  We pray that she grows up to make a difference in the lives of others and make the world better, giving glory to the one who knitted her together in your womb.

My heart is tied to yours today as we wish Joya a happy birthday from much too far away.

Forever grateful,
Laurie

manna and quail

I have been told by other adoptive families that sometimes the life changing part of adoption is not necessarily the addition of a child to the family, but the process of getting to that point.  We are about two months away from our travel date, and I am gaining clarity that the process is life changing for me.

I have touched on the financial aspect of this adoption being a major source of stress and strain (very common for adoptive families).  The timing was terrible from a personal planning standpoint, and I had very little trust from the beginning that God would PROVIDE.  I went into this thinking we would have to be creative and work hard to pull together the finances ourselves.

Ten months into our adoption journey, I have finally come to the realization that God has been gracious to give us just enough.  He has met every invoice with just enough money in our adoption savings account to pay it.

It started about two months into the process.  I was telling someone close to me about the stress of paying the home study fee of $1,400.  We were really only dipping our toe into the adoptive waters where fees were concerned, but it felt like a ton of money and I really didn't know where the rest was going to come from.  A week later, a check for $500 arrived in the mail with an encouraging note telling me how much this couple wanted to be invested in our adoption because of their great excitement for our future daughter.

We were blown away.  I felt so loved, but I didn't realize that this was just a glimpse of the waterfall of financial gifts that were to come:

• A sweet friend showed up on our doorstep and said their family wanted to be involved, handed us an envelope, hugged us, and left.  We opened the envelope to find it contained $1,000 cash.
• Our friends chose us to be the recipients of their adoption jar and surprised us with $283.77.
• A friend who doesn't even know me that well, offered me ALL of her airline miles for our trip to China.
• Out of the blue, a close friend of my husband's sent us a card with a message explaining how our decision to adopt had touched his family.  Inside the card was a check for $500.
• My sister and my step-mom held a fundraiser for us in the Midwest.  Last I had heard, they had raised somewhere around $500, which was unexpected and amazing.  When Amy visited in December, she presented me with the final check - $1,365.
• The very first people who sent the $500 check came back and offered us an interest-free loan for any amount if the need should arise.
• Someone else very close to us contacted us and offered to pay for a significant portion of our travel expenses.
• In addition to babysitting for us free of charge countless times, my neighbor collected spare change and coffee money into a vase on her countertop throughout the summer and fall.  Over Christmas break, she brought us over $87 to contribute to bringing Joya home.
• I opened a Christmas card and a check for $1,000 fell out of it.  There was even a heartfelt offer to contribute more if we need it.
• I opened another Christmas card and a check for $200 fell out of it.  They included a note expressing the excitement this family shared with us across many miles.

Shortly before Christmas, I wrote a check toward our adoption costs for $10,860.  I moved the money from our savings account where all these contributions were deposited and waiting with the money we saved each month.

And there was just enough.

We don't have any idea where the rest of the money for our trip will come from.  To be honest, we've spent time drowning in the stress of it all and succumbed to some major marital arguments about it.  I'm sure Satan had a party that day, because after all that I had seen, I still doubted.  I still wanted control and security.

Today I was pondering the lesson that God has clearly been teaching me.  The gap in my faith at the beginning of this journey is glaring to me now.

I opened my Bible to Exodus chapter 16.  "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'I will rain down bread from heaven for you.  The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day.  In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions.' "  It goes on to tell how God provided quail (in the desert, go figure) each evening and Manna each morning - but only just enough for their immediate need so that they would continue to depend on Him.

Some of the Israelites collected more Manna than they needed, therefore disobeying God's instructions to depend on Him to provide food each day (trying to take over control).  "However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell."

I am now confident that if we began our adoption with the funds ready to write checks for all the costs, I would have relied on our own abilities and resources and NOT God's provision.  My heart would be inwardly focused, crawling with maggots, and foul with smell.

I would not have been transformed into a more generous person either.  I'll be honest and say to you that I doubt I would ever show up on a friend's doorstep and hand over $1,000.  That example of sacrificial generosity showed me the person I want to be going forward.

But apparently I needed to be the recipient of such generosity in order to learn the importance of being the giver.

My responsibility is to do my best with what I have been given, with both possessions and talents.  But, first and foremost, He wants me to depend on Him for each day, for each invoice, for each unknown, and for each fear.

I'm thankful that He has withheld abundance in this part of our adoption.  My life is so abundant in many ways, but He has given us the GIFT of a picture of being in the desert, doing what He wants us to do, totally dependant on Him for what is next.

He has given us just enough.